Modern Women

Breaking Hollywood

2010-08-04T21:15:00.002-04:00

It's been a really long time since I've made a post. Sometimes life gets in the way of living. I'd intended to write this after the Oscars because every year I hear the same discussion on radio shows the day after. Why aren't there more Black actors/actresses being honored. Why aren't there more strong projects for Black talent? Why aren't there more of us behind the camera?

I have a question. Why are we still waiting on the heads of Hollywood? In the 21st century we still sit back waiting for some studio head to give us permission to make certain projects. In 1919 when they were tired of being enslaved by the studio system, D.W. Griffith, Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford, and Douglas Fairbanks started United Artists. They produced and distributed their own projects. They didn't wait for someone to give them permission.

As someone who started out as a production assistant in Atlanta, I know how difficult it can be to be Black in the business. I can not tell you how many times I had to prove myself over and over again despite having a list of credits as long as my arm. There are so many genuinely talent people on both sides of the camera within the Black community that we should not be waiting for permission either. These days you don't have to go to an expensive film school to learn the ins and outs of the business. We are capable of getting funding, producing, and making distribution deals outside the Hollywood star chamber. We have to learn not to take no for an answer and be just as confidant and aggressive as our White counterparts. We also have to present our audiences with strong storylines that do not mock or pander to stereotypes.

Despite his critics Tyler Perry is one of the few who has broken from the pack and proven that you don't need to be in LA to be successful. Although we have made some strides in the entertainment industry we still have a long way to go. Where are our United Artists?

Rising to the challenge

2009-12-26T23:43:00.003-05:00

Let me start off by saying thank you to all the fans of The Carnal Escapades of Good Girls. Something that started off as a whim to entertain a few friends grew into my first book that has really grabbed people's attention. Since it became available in 07 everyone has shown a lot of love for the stories and characters. I was quite honored and flattered when the first independent review was posted in September 09 by blogger Mike Burg (http://tinyurl.com/yfst5ag).

The book then led to the website. It encompasses my take on romance and sexuality. The feedback has been amazing and I love that visitors find it exciting and interesting. Each time I check my stats there are more and more visitors to my website. I've had visits from nearly every state in the US, all over the Europe, and some South American countries, but it is so exciting to see visitors from places I never expected such as Russia, China, the Philippines, Vietnam, Sri Lanka, and even the Falkland Islands, to name a few. So the word is spreading around the globe.

When I conceived the book, I had a goal in mind and as 2009 draws to a close I have not yet reached my goal. So now I reach out to my fans and friends to ask you to encourage others to buy the book as well. There is a reason for this particular goal which I will happily share once it is attained.

I'm so happy to announce the Spread the Word 45 day Challenge. There will be 3 phases to this contest and the winners will be announced after each 15 day phase. Contest information and rules are on the website (http://tinyurl.com/r6j4ww) and the Facebook fanpage (http://tinyurl.com/yfjuzvo). I hope you'll enjoy it and the Good Girls will definitely love having more fans.

WE the people

2009-09-04T09:12:00.000-04:00

I don't want my blog to be about politics. Heaven knows there are plenty of them out there. I read as many as I come across. I often shake my head in disbelief at the passionate hatred expressed by some bloggers and their readers. Much of it is not based in fact or truth but anger and prejudice. I am watching the the rhetoric rage out of control to the point of being ridiculous. Rational and common sense have been beaten back by fear mongering.

Let's face facts. I'll just be blunt. We have a Black American President and that scares the hell out of some people. Most won't admit that it comes down to the color of his skin. They will cry foul when accused of it but that is the truth of the matter. His detractors will whip them into a frenzy with outlandish accusations that appeal to the lowest thinkers. No matter what President Obama will do during his term (or terms) he may never receive the respect that has been automatically granted previous presidents.

To me this shows the lack of progress in race relations in America. We are still mired in stereotypes and the age old thought patterns that racial superiority belongs only to those of Caucasian descent. This is what will be the downfall of our country more so than a faltering economy or a broken education system.

Those of us who have already crossed the racial divide need to band together to help break the stranglehold of hatred that threatens to undermine our democracy. We have to stop being polite when we hear outrageous claims stated as fact and call them to the mat every time. We cannot stand by idly in the hopes that the ignorance will remain isolated off to the side. It will instead spread like a cancer if we don't stop it now. We not only owe it to ourselves and our children, we owe it to those who choose to live in ignorance and fear.

We will remember

2009-07-13T14:36:00.001-04:00

When I was a little girl I saw a picture of an another little girl in the paper. She was half way around the world in a country ravaged by war. She was running down the road, naked, wounded and crying. As young as I was I wondered what happened to her, where were her parents, and did she survive that day. To this day I never forgot the image of that little girl.

There have been many wars in my lifetime. The images of children suffering still touches the child in me. Wars aren't fought only by political rhetoric and military might. There are always civilians caught in the middle fighting for the right to survive. There are children who miss out on their childhoods because they live in fear and with death around every corner. They may lose their families or friends. They grow up traumatized and unable to bond or trust. They will never forget and neither should we.

No child should wonder if it's safe to play outside or whether they will make it to school before gunfire breaks out. No child should be afraid they might never see their mom or dad again because they have been kidnapped and forced to become soliders. No child should have their innocence stripped away by the horrors of rape. Every child has the right to feel safe at home. Moreover we as adults should do all we can to prevent children anywhere from being victimized insanity and inhumanity of war.

T. Boone...call me

2009-07-10T09:48:00.001-04:00

I firmly believe the current energy crisis, global warming, and better food sources will not be solved by governments but by private enterprise. It appears that all our governments want to do is discuss the matter rather than take any real action. The social and financial benefits can be astronomical to whomever produces products that will revolutionize the way our world lives and breathes.

Right now we are watching the price of gas and other life necessities going up. There are thousands of creative individuals, including myself with amazing ideas that will turn our economy and environment around. Unfortunately it is difficult for these innovators to get their ideas to market. I admire and applaud T. Boone Pickens. This is a man who made his money in oil but recognizes the problem and has a practical solution. But unlike Mr. Pickens, I don't have millions of dollars at my disposal to implement my ideas. So now I must find a way to use the brains God gave me to bring my ideas to life.

It is going to be up to the little guy to revive and renew the world economic structure. Big corporations have clearly demonstrated a lack of concern for their employees, community, and environmental legacy. The machine has no soul. We can no longer stand idly by waiting for opportunity to come to us. We must create the opportunity. The time for talk is over.

So if you're out there, call me T. Boone. Let me put a bug in your ear.

Peter Pan was more grown up

2009-06-09T10:11:00.003-04:00

I have never reposted a blog entry until now. It seems Matt Dubay has not grown up yet. He made on appearance on Dr. Phil (Original Air: 10.22.08-Rerun 6.2.09). It seems he is still bemoaning the issue of having to pay child support. What's worse is his mother is supporting him in his selfish stupidity. He still lays this at the feet of his ex girlfriend and portrays himself as a victim. He and his mother seemed to balk at the idea that he could have used protection to prevent a child. Now he is so traumatized he can no longer trust women and intimacy has been ruined for him.

I know I can 't be the only one who thinks this guy should move back home with mom because she will probably be the only woman in his life.

3.31.2006
You could keep your pants on
Just when I think I’ve heard everything, along comes something that sinks mankind to a new low of stupidity. There is a young man in Michigan who thinks he should not have to pay child support for his daughter because he didn’t want to have a child with his (ex) girlfriend. He feels that because she knew he did not want children with her and she chose to keep the baby, he should be able to opt out of child support. She had the option of abortion or adoption.

Well he also had a couple of options. He could have covered it or cut it (I mean a vasectomy but in his case castration might be better). HE knew he didn’t want kids with her, so HE should have taken precautions to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Another option was he didn’t have to have sex with her at all. He could have found someone he did feel worthy of bearing the fruit of his loins.

But now his is choosing to punish the child because of his issues with the mother. Is this the way a man should face up to his responsibilities? If a man could choose to opt out of child support for the simple reason that he didn’t want to have children with that woman, there would be a lot more kids living in poverty and a population boom at that. There would be no consequence for a man fathering as many children as he could make in a lifetime and then leaving them to fend for themselves. I have often felt that if men could feel a similar connection as the mother during pregnancy, it might not be so easy for them to walk away. But for now the connection is a fiduciary one.

I do not believe any one should be forced to pay child support for a child that is not his or a husband paying for a child conceived outside of a marriage(i.e. if the wife has an affair and becomes pregnant by her lover). I also think no one should have to pay exorbitant amounts of child support. That basically amounts to extortion by court order. But when two people are in a relationship and a child results from that relationship, then step up and be a man.

I say to any women who see Matt Dubay coming, run don’t walk to the nearest exit! It’s quite apparent that he is not capable of handling adult responsibilities. I suggest to him that perhaps he should remain celibate until such time that he gets a clearer understanding of where babies come from.

Make room! Make room!

2009-06-02T22:58:00.002-04:00

As I watched the ABC special Earth 2100 I am reminded of the sci fi books I read as a kid. Many of the books I read held dire consequences for humanity due to greed, waste, corruption, over population, etc. The stories drew me in and scared me silly alot of the time. I constantly worried about my future and the future of any children I might have. I would lay awake at night after seeing tv programs full of prognostications from the experts about man's impact on the planet.

Although much of what I read as a kid has not come to pass, thank heaven there are things that are happening which are just as disconcerting and truly require our attention NOW. Oddly enough we have the capabilities to do something about it NOW. The technologies that could save our planet do exist. There are so many innovative companies out there right now that we should be utilizing in an effort to save the one planet we have.

There are options that have not even been put on the table. I'm amazed that the countries of the African continent have not realized how truly valuable to the planet they could be. Not in oil, gold, or diamonds but in food. They could actually become the bread basket for the world. I have my theory on how it could work but I'm just one person and the governments of African nations would have to learn to cooperate with each other in order for it to be successful. What would it take for them to lay down their arms against each other in order to benefit themselves and the rest of the world?

Actually we must all start to of think saving the planet as our problem not the other guy's. We must become altruistic if we are going to have anything to pass on to the future generations. We must tell politicians all over the world to stop playing games with our lives because they want to have a pissin' contest. We have to remind them every chance we get that we only have one earth and they can't leave it either. We must encourage inventors and entrepreneurs to bring products to market that will improve the quality of life. We must insist on green energy, recycling, and conservation of our forests. We can no longer sit back waiting for someone else to take care of it for us.

While many will consider Earth 2100 drivel or propaganda, it can be seen as a possibility if we do nothing. Some conspiracy theorists will jump on it as part of some grand scheme by some unknown group controlling everything for their own machinations. But let's examine this with an open mind based on the facts that face us at this moment in time. What choice will we make? Do we fight for a better future or do we become the scary stories of my childhood?

Boys will be boys

2009-04-15T23:01:00.002-04:00

Recently I saw a program where young daughters promise their fathers they will remain virgins until they are married. Countless talk shows devote their hours to getting out of control teenage girls back in line. Birth control is still largely viewed as a woman's responsibility so she won't get "herself" pregnant. When pop stars Rihanna and Chris Brown's volatile relationship became public, I was blown away when many young girls thought she must have provoked him and deserved the severe beating she received. I can't tell you how many times I've approached a door at the same time as some guy and he will walk in first and allow the door to close on me.

I understand that because so many young men are coming up without a significant male influence in their lives they may not be getting the invaluable lessons they need to become good men. But we as a society must apply the same standards to our young boys as we do our young girls. We must insist that young men take responsibility for their sexual and social lives. It has to be understood that that being male doesn't automatically make you a man. We must no longer hold it up as macho if a man has many lovers or fathers many children but isn't being a parent to any of them. It is not cool to walk around with your butt hanging out to the world and treating any woman disrespectfully.

It's up to the fathers to take their sons in hand, not just leave them to their own devices. If there isn't a father present then another significant male in the child's life, be it uncle, cousin, grandfather has to have the courage and conviction to step in and give that single mother a hand. Stop holding up celebrities and athletes as role models. Role models should come from within that young boy's immediate community. The OGs these boys should be inspired by should be original gentlemen.

An open letter of gratitude

2009-03-10T23:12:00.004-04:00

These days it can be very difficult to be grateful about much of anything. My personal situation was in a recession long before the rest of the country. As I would sink into the depths of despair and sadness I would find myself spending hours lamenting my situation. I was feeling unloved, isolated and unfulfilled by life.

I failed to recognized that despite my circumstances I had been surrounded by this small amazing circle of friends. Since I have not yet put down roots I'd made friends in several places around the country. The bond made was not broken by time or distance or my own despair.

There was a time when the pain, fear, and self doubt spoke louder than their loving voices. When I thought I'd finally hit bottom and just couldn't live with the pain anymore my heart remembered their voices. In that moment I felt so grateful to feel their love embracing me.

These people are special to me because they love me no matter what is going on in my corner of the world. They give me strength when I have none of my own. They dry my tears and give me hugs even if it's by phone. They don't judge me and are an endless source of encouragement when I feel like chucking everything and giving up.

Recognizing that moment helped me to realize that even though my life is far different than what it use to be and not at all what I thought it would be, I have an endless list of things to be grateful for. That list begins with those beautiful people I have been blessed with. To them I say from the bottom of my heart-

Thank you!

Wow... Rush Limbaugh... Really??

2009-03-10T20:33:00.002-04:00

It's just around fifty days into the Obama Presidency and the insanity and stupidity is at full tilt. The Republican Party is in a mad scramble to regroup and find leadership and a new direction. They have lost their power base and now the playing field is about to be leveled. And in this power vacuum they have relinquished their voice to a radio talk show host.

Conservative Republicans and other detractors can't find anything real to complain about so they come across like kindergartners-if I can't have my way I just won't play. It quickly dissolves into baseless accusations which only serve to stir up fear and hatred. I believe that's how we wound up in Iraq but I digress.

And yet instead of coming together as a party they are imploding. There are no stand outs. While all this infighting is going on, in rushes Rush. He feels his skewed view of politics, race relations, and women's rights should be the views of entire Republican party. Republican leaders kowtow to him and shake in their shoes when he spews his vile messages.

Unless and until Republicans put Limbaugh in his place the Republican party doesn't stand a chance. He will further divide their ranks and run potential members away Limbaugh appeals to that small group of people who share his unenlightened perspective. They keep making reference to taking control back in 2010 but if they keep letting Rush do all the talking and don't regain some direction, they won't even exist in 2010.

New Year, new me, new life

2009-01-12T22:48:00.002-05:00

Ok it's taken me a while to get back to my blog. Sometimes life can take on a life of it's own. But now it's a new year and it's time for a new me.

One thing I've learned over the last few months is to stop looking back. Many of my friends know what I've been going though for some time now. Every day I would push myself to keep going all the while I kept saying over and over I want my old life back. Without realizing it I was setting myself up for a sort of Ground Hog day.

My old life meant days of disappointment and hurt feelings. It was a period of when I let my fears and self doubt overrule my faith and limit my personal growth. I let the naysayers voices overpower the voices of my many supporters. In my old life most every thing I did I was successful at so when I had failures they stopped me from trying again.

Then I had an epiphany. It didn't come from some voice within me. I was watching a program and the man in the interview said the same thing all the time through his ordeal- I want my old life back. And that's exactly what he got. Then it dawned on me that it was time to stop looking back for my old life.

So with the new year it's time to look forward and just be me. It has been a long road to get to where I like myself when I look in the mirror and I'm not afraid to take risks. I owe it to myself to take the path laid out before me and not worry about what waits at the end. I know now I can always deviate if I find it isn't leading me to where I want to be. No matter what it will lead me to my new life.

Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?

2008-09-05T08:46:00.002-04:00

I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine this week. She is someone I consider to be very socially conscientious. She is very passionate about keeping the people she cares about informed about relevant issues barreling down on our already overburdened society. Because I respect her opinions I will read the articles or watch the video she emails me. However some of the material comes across as conspiracy theories utilizing some of the same scare tactics as the main stream media.

We all know we live in scary times. The events of September 11, 2001 really took away our sense of security and wounded our national pride. Everyday there is news of job losses, businesses closing or moving overseas and families losing their homes. People all over the world are suffering at the hands of their governments on one side and extremists on the other. Our livelihoods and the futures of our children are caught in the middle of some very high stakes political games.

So with all this going on around us, there are those who want to keep us in fear from both sides of the table. Although they may have the best of intentions they often come across as Chicken Little. Information is misconstrued and whittled down to just enough bites to support the creator's theories. We want to restore our faith and confidence so we are desperate to believe the onslaught of information.

While there will always be different perspectives on any subject we must be clear minded enough to be able to wade through it to make our own judgments. We can not allow ourselves to be lead around by the nose. As individuals we have to be diligent in investigating the facts. We can never stop thinking for ourselves.

When we do have all the facts and conclude that the situation goes against our best interests then take action. We must take back our power as citizens that we gave over to government and big business. We can do that with our money and our votes. When we see something a corporation is doing that we don't like, don't buy their products. We must remind politicians they work for us, we don't work for them. When there is legislation before them that doesn't benefit us as a whole then we are required to let them know by mail, email, and phone.

We must not let fear and unbridle emotion rule our sensibilities. We must stand up for ourselves when no one else will.

Robbed of my possessions by pathetic wastes of human life

2008-08-12T19:25:00.002-04:00

I could not think of a meaningful title for this entry. Some time in the last 7 days thieves broken into my storage unit and stole all my clothing and some items of sentimental value. As some of my friends now I have hit a rough patch in my life and I had to put my things in storage. What remains of my life is in many boxes that I get to visit from time to time. So I am devastated by this loss. Not only for the clothing items but for the items that I can not replace.

I do not understand what motivated the thieves. They took the time to beat the hasp holding the lock with a rock until it broke to gain access to the unit. They took the time to look through the containers. The reason I know this is because they left a lid behind. These were things I worked hard to pay for. Some of the items they took were given to me by friends long gone from my life. The memories tied to the items were precious to me. These things only had value to me. No one had a right to take my things.

Right now I am very overwhelmed and very sad. I feel powerless and I hate that. I can not afford to replace much of the clothing at this point because I am out of work. And now when I do find a job, I will not have clothes to wear. The police officer said they will probably sell them at a flea market or yard sale. So these pathetic individuals will get next to nothing for items I spent thousands of dollars on. I know wishing them a hellish existence won't do any good but I hope they rot in misery for the rest of their lives.

Better living through chemistry??

2008-08-11T11:42:00.005-04:00

I love to eat. I never miss a meal, made clear by my ever increasing waistline. I enjoy the whole experience. I love to select the items in the grocery store, smell it cooking, and sitting down to devour the finished product is the highlight of my day. Many of my best memories are centered around some delicious meals. I myself am a terrible cook (that's another entry) but I lavish much praise upon those who keep me fed. I'm no different from the other 6.5 billion people on the planet. Food is an integral part of our lives, not just for nourishment but because it brings significant meaning to so many moments in our existence.

As time goes on food gets better. The tide has turned away from high preservative, chemically supplemented food stuffs. We prefer fresh and/or organic vegetables. We don't want our meat full of hormones and antibiotics. The human body, being the incredible machine that it is doesn't know what to do with these strange substances that are developed in someone's test tube and will have all kinds of adverse reactions. We have learned that saccharin can cause cancer. MSG could sometimes make you feel a little dizzy or hyper. Does anyone remember the rather nasty side effect of Olestra chips? This food product was processed in synthetic cooking oil. But scientists continue to seek the holy grail of chemicals that will revolutionize food production. I was recently told about a new food additive being developed to trick the brain into thinking something is sweeter or more savory. It is designed to satiate your need for a particular sensation sooner. The theory is once you are satisfied you will eat less of something and it will aid in weight control. According to the article in Scientific America, this compound is so potent it requires a tiny amount be added to foodstuffs. For food processors the benefit is less sugar or less seasonings needs to be added to a product. But again it is a scientifically engineered chemical. It is not something found in nature and enhanced to be consumable. So what are the side effects and how long will it take to find them out before this item is deemed unsuitable?

Although the recent food shortages have dominated the news we should not succumb to chemistry to feed the world population. Instead of trying to chemically enhance food perhaps scientist should turn their attentions to developing better farming techniques. There are many places around the world that could benefit from revolutionary agricultural discoveries that could make small communities self sustaining. We shouldn't be using corn for fuel for our cars but for food to feed livestock. Farmers should be able to get fair market value for their crops so they won't feel the need to sell to developers who will just put another mall on it. We should stop polluting our waters so fish will repopulate. But the first line of defense is with the consumer. Simply don't buy products with these additives. When the manufacturers see they will not recoup their investment they will eventually pull the product from shelves.

http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=magnifying-taste&SID

Murdering Innocence

2008-07-23T20:59:00.004-04:00

A recent Supreme Court ruling stated that child rapists can not be executed. The ruling stated that it would go beyond the "evolving standards of decency" in the United States. By those standards it would forbid capital punishment for any crime against an individual other than murder.

It began with the case of the State of Louisiana v Kennedy. Kennedy, 43 was appealing his 2003 death sentence after he was convicted of raping his 8 year old stepdaughter. Kennedy was convicted of sexually assaulting his stepdaughter in her bed. The attack caused severe emotional trauma, internal injuries and bleeding to the child, requiring extensive surgery. Although the High Court acknowledged "the victim's fright, the sense of betrayal, and the nature of her injuries caused more prolonged physical and mental suffering than, say, a sudden killing by an unseen assassin.", they sited the rapist's Eight Amendment rights against cruel and unusual punishment.

We all know child molesters/predators can not be rehabilitated. We never know how many victims they have until they are caught. Given the opportunity to be back in society they will continue to prey upon our little ones until they are caught again. How many lives have to be destroyed before that is considered cruel and unusual? Even after these animals are caught and caged there is a child who is scared for life. No amount of therapy will restore their lost childhood. There will never be enough hugs to take away the nightmares that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. There is a trust that is shattered beyond repair.

Although many do not believe in an eye for an eye, doesn't that child deserve the reassurance that the predator will never be able to hurt anyone else again? I know statistically the death penalty is not a deterrent but it definitely makes sure that guy won't be able to commit the crime again.

Believing in your magic

2008-07-21T13:29:00.003-04:00

I have been very fortunate to have a lot of people pulling for me since I started my project. Writing the book and building the website were definitely learning experiences for me. I have a new found respect for webmasters everywhere.

But ocassionally I will come across a detractor. Someone will come along and tell me I'm not being realistic or I've set my expectations too high. Success is for other people but not for me. Sometimes it is difficult to shut out the negative voices and douse the self doubt.

Successful people do have moments of doubt. They also have many many failures before that moment that changes their lives. There will always be people telling them it's never going to happen or what they were trying to accomplish is impossible. But everything is impossible to someone who never tries. Those of us who choose to take risks are the successful ones no matter what happens. It takes a lot of courage to believe in your magic and live on the strength of your convictions even when others don't see the big picture.

So I will work hard to shut out the naysayers. I know there are 100 times more people cheering me on. It doesn't matte if you don't believe in me as long as I believe in myself.

Life before you

2008-07-07T23:25:00.001-04:00

Life before you

Some of the best parts of my teenage years were spent with a group of 5 guys. We were best buds since I was 13. They were the first people who liked me for me. They were my protectors from the bullies and my shoulders to cry on when I need one.We bonded like a family. We did everything together as brothers and sister. The only thing I didn't do with them was pee standing up. I was the only girl in the group. We were proof that males and females could be just friends.

Of course as we grew up they had girlfriends. We were still pals and continued to do the things we did as buddies. Then one by one my pals feel in love and married. Even though the women in their lives met me and knew of our familial bond something changed after the ring went on. Suddenly I was being excluded from things. I wasn't hanging with the group anymore because the group dynamic had changed. The women in their lives decided they could no longer have female friends. WTF?? My friends were forced to give up a lifelong friendship because of petty insecurity and the need to be territorial.

I have never understood how you can say you love someone but still be suspicious of any relationships they may have had before you came along. Now I can understand if there's some ex girl/boyfriend still hanging around. That can be a red flag for a lot of reasons. But when your significant other is made to cut off platonic friends simply because there is the fear that something could potentially happen, that falls in the category of being just stupid. If it was going to happen it would have before you came along.

I guess since I've not been in love I can't understand this concept of I must have you completely to myself. I've been told it's a natural part of a relationship. But if you are secure in your relationship then you don't need constant reassurance that the person you're with cares about you above all others.

Tick tock, tick tock

2008-07-07T23:18:00.001-04:00

Many people are often surprised when they find out I don't have kids. Almost anytime there are kids around I become their new long lost pal. When I was in college, I'd babysit for extra money. My little guys decided I was the best babysitter in the universe. When I worked as a substitute teacher I was like the Pied Piper.

I just haven't met the right guy who wanted to settle down and have a family. Sadly at 44 I can hear my biological clock going off like Big Ben. Thank goodness these days there isn't a huge stigma attached to having children later in life. Many of my friends married in their 20' or 30's and have kids that are nearing high school or college. They can't understand why I would want to have kids now. They bring up how old I will be when the kid is a certain age. But I will grow old whether I have kids or not. It doesn't take away the desire to be a parent. Or they say well you can always adopt. I'm not infertile, I just don't have anyone to fertilize me. I know I'm not the only person who feels like this. I just wish those who have kids would be a little more sensitive to those of us who don't but would give anything to hear the pitter patter of little feet.

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

2008-07-05T01:09:00.003-04:00

The primaries are over and the votes are counted. On to the big game. But there are still a lot of battle scars that are bleeding out there. Senator Hillary Clinton is still finding this a bitter pill to swallow. Too many of her supporters still sucking on sour grapes.

Senator Clinton cried foul because she felt she was being picked on by the press and other politicians because she was a woman. When you run with the big boys you have to have a thick skin. Nothing makes me crazier than women who want to be treated equally but then when they don't get their way they play the gender card. She and her supporters should be damn proud that she stood up and made it as far as she did. I see it as a victory because she shattered the glass ceiling. Just because she didn't received the nomination should not be seen as a defeat. She stood toe to toe with some impressive candidates and outlasted all (except one) down to the wire. She has cleared the way for the next woman (president).

No more excuses

2008-07-05T01:08:00.001-04:00

There is audacity in hope. There is strength in faith. There is clarity in believing. So now we stand on the edge of history. It's too soon to tell the outcome but exciting nonetheless. What should we take away from this moment in time?

That our heroes don't have to be athletes and actors. That no matter how much others say the odds are stacked against you, if you believe in yourself nothing is impossible. If you listen to your inner voice and block out all the nay sayers then you can go as far as your dreams and desires will take you. What you life can be is entirely up to you.

When you are ready to step outside your comfort zone there will always be people who will try to bring you down. They have let go of their own dreams so they will want to take away yours. Sometimes they don't want you to leave them behind. You might have to step away so you can grow. It's never easy to leave behind what is familiar and safe but in the end you are always better for it. Never be afraid to take risks. Taking risks means you are alive. In the end you'll be glad you did.

So as long as what you truly desire isn't illegal or hurt others then go for it.When the negative self talk starts, shut it down. There are no more excuses for not living the life that makes you you.

Enough

2008-07-05T01:07:00.001-04:00

Who would have ever envisioned a day when a gallon of milk would cost more than a gallon of gas? We are always told there would be flying cars and poverty would be eliminated on the planet by now. But the news is full of stories of rising prices, food shortages, and downsizing worldwide. Governments everywhere play games with the odds because they have lost touch with the common man. We are constantly reminded that our safety is never assured because some nut job might blow himself up at anytime in a crowded area. Simply put, I'm sure we've all had enough. We want our voices to be heard.

One day what if there was a worldwide protest? One 24 hour period where every person around the world went to their presidential palace, local parliament or congress, governor's mansion, city council, village elders meeting place in silent protest. Just gather outside. No speeches of boring empty rhetoric. No chants or hostilities. The only expression would be a sign-ENOUGH.

We have had enough of terrorist taking away our peace of mind and the security of our children. We have had enough of politicians turning a blind eye to our needs and concerns so they can advance their own agendas. We've had enough of big corporations poisoning our air and water or monopolizing markets to shake us for every penny of our hard earned incomes.

So we are here in silent protest. We are taking back our power as citizens of the world to let you know you are on notice. So what's everybody doing December 31, 2008 around midnight?

Planet Earth Calling

2008-07-04T22:48:00.000-04:00

I can remember as early as 10 years old that scientist were sounding the alarm about the dangers of global warming. Back then we just thought there were a few crackpots running around like Chicken Little.

But the realty is coming at us like a runaway freight train. We can see it coming but we are standing on the tracks pretending we don't hear the warning bells. What is it going to take before we stop living in denial and do something to turn this around?

Bring green should not be a corporate slogan or ad campaign. What is so frustrating is that we have the tools and technology to turn the tide. There are so many brilliant people out there taking small steps but their voices are being shut down by politicians and big corporations who haven't yet figured out how to get their slice of the pie. In the meantime the train is picking up speed. We better do something before we get run over.

The Old Guard has Forgotten

2008-06-01T20:52:00.000-04:00

I wrote this at the beginning of the Democratic primaries. I thought
it was so funny how certain Black politicians were so arrogant and
huffy when Senator Obama threw his hat into the ring. There were a
few who said he should have come to them first for their blessings.
Since he didn't come to them "for permission" they were going to put
their support behind Senator Clinton. WTF??! In the last 30 years
since the civil rights movement too many Black politicians have have
been sitting on their big butts, just going with the flow. They have
done nothing to further the cause of civil rights, even though many
of them were there during the early days. They've forgotten the
struggle and sacrifice it took to get them there. None of them stood
up to take on this particular challenge.

Although Senator Obama isn't the first Black to run for office, he
has the most realistic chance. What sets Obama apart is his overall
perspective of the GOP. He is not willing to go along with the status
quo. He is a breath of fresh air in the stale closed windowed world
of American politics.

To these Black politicians I say shame on you! Grow up. You're just
mad it isn't you.

Boom baby! I'm back!

2008-06-01T20:41:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you thought I'd abandoned my blog. Yes, I know it's been
months but I didn't vanish from the face of the earth. I've been
putting my energy into a personal project the is now complete. Boy
did it take a lot longer than I thought it would. It's been a
learning experience for me. Most of the time I was flying by the seat
of my pants. I was also very fortunate to have a few good friends
looking over my shoulder like guardian angels. Many thanks to those
guys.

I know my readership dropped into the toilet. I'm hoping you will
come back soon and bring more friends with you. It's been a long time
but I know my efforts will be rewarded.

Weighing the average

2007-01-31T09:57:00.003-05:00

The average American woman wears a size 14. Everyday we are bombarded with images that make us feel fat and out of shape. Now it seems that even being healthy is looked down upon. I can not believe the press is blasting Tyra Banks for gaining weight. Geesss can’t you find something else to focus on. What is worse they are saying it is ugly. Even though I’m not fan of hers, most guys would feel lucky if she even looked in their direction no matter what size she is. This woman is 5’10” and by her own words weighs 161lbs. What in the world is wrong with that???

I would like to meet someone who maybe in their 30’s or 40’s who still weighs the same as they did in their teens. If I do, I’m talking to someone who probably has an eating disorder or suffering some other esteem based issue. Let’s get real, as we age, we put on weight. I am so glad I finally filled out in my late 20’s. Before that I was a living stick person and I never want to be that skinny again. I was so thin I was mistaken for a young boy on two occasions. For a long time the focus was celebrities who were too thin and their effect on impressionable young girls. Now it seems the target is someone who is the appropriate weight for their height.

There are lots of people feeling this need to be perfect. NOBODY is perfect. There is no such thing as perfection. Who in the world is setting these unrealistic standards?? I want to know how many of these people are in perfect shape. Yes it would be great if we could all be at our ideal weight and eat all the Chunky Monkey ice cream Ben and Jerry could crank out. If given a choice between working out or the Monkey...for those of you who know me, you know what I’m running for. And I dare you to ask for a spoonful!

Learn to love yourself just as you are. You are beautiful in so many ways. If you want to lose a few then do it because you want to, not because you want to impress someone. If you couldn’t get their attention when you were heavier then they are probably not someone you would really want to know anyway.

I’m a few pounds from my goal weight. But there’s a restaurant across the street from where I work that I eat at so often my co workers have banned me from going there. My mother often wonders why that pint of Monkey never lasts more than 2 days when it says it serves four (four what? dwarfs?). So until I get serious about losing those last pounds, I’ve learned to love my belly fat. I think of it as my winter reserves. But when I’m ready, I’ll do it for me, not because someone else says I don’t meet their standards.

You can't cure stupid

2007-01-31T09:57:00.001-05:00

First it was Mel Gibson (anti Semitic comments), then it was Michael Richards (racist tirade), and now Isaiah Washington (anti gay remarks). All have made public as**s of themselves and sought forgiveness by of all things going into rehab. Frankly I never knew you could seek counsel for being a jerk. If that were the case at sometime or another we’d all be in that line. Personally I have always believed in the adage whatever comes up, comes out. Much to their dismay what came out of their mouths was caught on tape and made public. So now it can all be made right by going to a therapist. Please don’t fall for this one.

I would rather know how someone feels about me upfront so I can steer clear of them. There is nothing I hate more than someone who will smile in my face and then turn around and talk about me behind my back. Would they have sought help if these incidents weren’t splashed all over the news? So now we know how they feel in private. No doubt others close to them knew as well but turned a blind eye (or deaf ear whatever the case may be). They only hang their heads in shame because their careers are on the line now. Personally I wouldn’t give another nickel to see any of them perform again. Yes I believe people can change. But this change could have and should have taken place long before they were making headlines and the dollars were at stake. These are grown men who are well aware of the state of the world. There are no pills or quick fixes for just being plain stupid.

I didn't invent commitment

2007-01-31T09:57:00.000-05:00

Many friends have often asked why am I still single? Trust me it’s not by choice but by circumstance. I have often equated the men that are attracted to me to a box of chocolates. They are look great on the outside but when I take a bite they are full of that orange crap I hate. I haven’t yet met a guy who is ready for commitment to be honest, at least not to me. For some reason guys don’t take me seriously. I haven’t yet put my finger on why. But if you figure it out, please feel free to let me know.

I like every other woman on the planet have dreamed of my ideal guy since I discovered boys don’t have cooties. As far as I can tell he doesn’t live within a thousand miles of me. The ones who do live in proximity seem hell bent on playing little mind games until the next one comes along. So what’s a girl to do?

So as I face another birthday closing in on me, I am once again pondering where have all the good men gone? Sigh... If you know of one, give him my number. My standards are decreasing with each passing year. But for heaven sake, he must at least have his own teeth!

Living his dream

2007-01-14T23:49:00.002-05:00

I grew up learning about Dr King’s activism in my history lessons. I never really appreciated the efforts and sacrifices of the civil rights leaders, movers, and shakers of the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s. After all I grew up in a middle class neighborhood. I went to excellent schools. I never knew color or race (until we moved to the South but that’s another story). It is as an adult that I truly understand the struggle. We as a people, as a society have come far, although we still have a long way to go. What a wonderful thing it is that we are willing to travel that path. It hasn’t taken some alien invasion from outer space for us to realize that we can overcome prejudice and ignorance to see each other as people instead of skin colors. There will be those who chose to live in ignorance and fear. Politicians and the media will continue to try to manipulate us keep with stereotypes to keep nonsense going. But it is within us all to rise above that. I think everyone should feel pride in their heritage and cultures. Sometimes we forget we are all members of the human race. Good or bad we all contribute to human history. For right now there are no Dr King Day sales at the stores, no Dr King greeting cards, no King Day decorations to pack away (thank heavens). Instead of being a commercial farce, it has become a day of service for many. People make time to volunteer to help others less fortunate in communities all over the country. It brings us under a common umbrella of caring and kindness and respect for others. It brings out the best in all of us. Eventually that will carry over into our everyday lives.

Apple will rise again

2007-01-14T23:49:00.000-05:00

The first computer I ever saw was an Apple. I was just starting to work in the entertainment industry and everyone I knew had one. Later when I was ready to buy my own I actually spent 6 months researching just the perfect model. I even purchased an oversized publication called the Mac Registry (it may not longer be in print). It listed absolutely every software and peripheral available for the Mac user.

I’ve been hooked ever since. I’m Mac loyal. Last summer I spent quite a tidy sum on eBay acquiring vintage Mac stuff. Apple made a lot of really cool stuff before the PC companies did. The beauty of Mac is that they never truly become obsolete.

Now Apple is getting ready to set the world on it’s ear with the iPhone this summer. Once it hits the market I have no doubt that sales of other Apple products will increase. Although my PC loving friends call me a fool for my Mac-insanity, I could never own anything else. You poor PC lemmings just don’t know what you’re missing.

I wish you would Google me!

2007-01-12T22:34:00.000-05:00

I say that with typical black woman attitude because I think it's ridiculous that an employer would use the internet as a way to eliminate you as a potential candidate for a job.

The internet is a great thing. It allows you to be free to express yourself in ways you may not have previously imagined. Who knew your banker could write such tear jerking poetry or the girl who cuts your hair mentors kids at risk? They have put great efforts into making webpages to share their talents with the world. Okay, admittedly some of us do get a bit carried away and share things that are probably best kept to ourselves. It can be hard to look Bob in accounting in the eye after seeing pictures of him in a tutu performing acts with a strange looking vegetable on loveyourveggies.com. I imagine such acts must be illegal in 57 countries.

All kidding aside, no activity you do outside of work should be the subject of investigation by a potential or current employer. As long as it is not an illegal activity, what you do in your own time is your business. Yes, the internet is an open public forum but it is not a place to police your life when you leave the office.

Your (potential) boss may not agree with your perspective on global warming or the war in Iraq but does that give him the right to factor that into your annual review? Should you be required to give all your Yahoo! IDs on a job application? We must draw the line now. It is bad enough that potential employers can request your credit history. (That's another thing I have never understood the necessity of.) Your thoughts and opinions are your own and should not be dictated to you in order to get work.

No home training

2007-01-09T06:20:00.000-05:00

Since I came home, I’ve been working as a substitute teacher at an elementary school (pre-K to 5th grade). It was a way to keep money in my pocket and allow me to look after my dad before his passing. Trust me there isn’t enough money in the world for me to become a teacher. I applaud all who have this calling. Teachers definitely should make more money than athletes. Instead of bonus pay for students making better grades and passing standardized tests, they should get combat pay.

These days parents seem to think schools are babysitting services. They are sidestepping their parental obligations by expecting the schools to give their little darlings home training (one of my favorite Southern expressions). Many kids come to school without even knowing to say please or thank you. They think it’s funny when little Johnny curses out the teacher. They ignore phone calls and letters from the teachers or principals. They are nowhere to be found for parent/teacher conferences. But should little Johnny say his teacher is being mean to him, then Mom is there ready to turn the school upside down. Nevermind that he is constantly disrupting class, fighting, spending countless days in ISS, or routinely being suspended for repeated offenses.

Well I have a solution for these parents who always say “my child would never...” Instead of putting the kid on Ritalin, if the parent refuses to cooperate with school officials in modifying the kid’s behavior, they should be required to home school them. Yes sirreebob! The state will provide the necessary materials and the student must maintain certain requirements. I can promise after a few days of that you would see a change in student and parent.

Not if but when

2007-01-08T23:18:00.000-05:00

Success like many other things in life is a state of mind. For some it comes easily and lasts a lifetime. Others pursue it passionately but it eludes them at every turn. Still for others after years of blood, sweat, and tears it falls on them like manna from heaven.

I am in that pursuit after tasting some success in my younger years. That brief taste fuels an unending hunger in me. I want more so much that my career goals are a driving force for my existence. In some ways I am grateful my early success was short live. At that time in my life I did not have the tools to handle it. I would have squandered it, like so many others do when success comes to easy.

Now that I am older and wiser I have learned that success has to be nurtured and savored and treated with respect. This is a valuable life lesson. Now as I rebuild my life now it is not a question of if I will be successful but when I will stand with my head held high, feeling the sun on my face again.

Just do your job

2007-01-08T23:12:00.001-05:00

I put myself through college working in a pharmacy. Never once did any pharmacist ever turn away a patient because he or she felt some personal crisis about filling a prescription. The men and women I worked with always conducted themselves under the professional ethic that it was a responsibility to comfort and aid the patient.

But these days there are pharmacists, (as well as some doctors) who think it is a moral dilemma written on that prescription pad. Frankly, it’s none of your business! Let’s just be blunt about it. It is not up to any party outside of myself and my physician to decide if I should be taking certain medications. I was honestly shocked when I saw a recent report about a pharmacist who refused a rape victim the morning after pill because he didn’t believe in abortion. Was he going to make himself available to her for the rest of her life to deal with the trauma of raising a baby resulting from rape? Perhaps he was going provide her with ongoing financial assistance to raise this child. There have also been reports of pharmacists refusing to dispense birth control pills or other forms of female contraceptives to single women and even married women. But it seems they have no problems with selling Viagra.

It is almost implausible to me that a medical professional would allow his/her personal beliefs to prohibit him/her from doing their job. If they feel that strongly perhaps they should find other jobs that are more supportive of their moral obligations. It comes down to leaving your personal opinions and biases at home. Your convictions have no bearing on the lives of your patients.

There's nothing PC about me

2007-01-08T23:12:00.000-05:00

In the 60’s we were Negroes. In the 70’s we were Afro-Americans, and in the 80’s-black. But then in the 90’s some knucklehead came up with African-Americans. This is a subject that has long since chapped my hide. That term is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY incorrect. I was born here, I did not immigrate here. Neither did my parents, grandparents, or even my great grandparents. Add to that my great grandmother was a full blood American Indian.

I am an American but if you must distinguish me I prefer to be referred to as Black American. I am not the only one who feels this way. But for some reason that darn PC idiot won’t listen to us. They always seem to know better. All this PC garbage has done more harm than good. Americans have become overly sensitive about how we talk to and refer to each other.

As long as we treat each with respect it should not be a problem to describe someone as Black, White, Asian, Latino, fat, short, etc. I think it is more demeaning to place these PC tags on people as if they will burst into tears if you use appropriate terminology. We are supposed to be adults. Perhaps it’s those PC knuckleheads who need to grow up.

Why are you still together?

2007-01-03T22:54:00.000-05:00

In previous posts I have mentioned a friend who is determined to marry someone who clearly isn’t right for him. He sees this just as plain as the nose on his face but he is determined to go through with it. Recently on an episode of Dr Phil there was a woman who was supporting her mooching boyfriend. He openly admitted to stealing from her, lying to her about looking for work, among other things. Even her parents expressed concern. But as she had the truth staring her in the face, she said she loved him and would probably still marry him.

Even I’ve been guilty of overlooking some glaring character flaws in order to love that person. But the difference between me and them is that I got out before it was too late. To me there was just not enough love to make this person into the person I wanted them to be. I had to step back and listen to my head instead of my heart.

Love is too important to waste on someone who is unwilling or unable to give it to you in return. Of course there is always a reason we get sidetracked by that girlfriend or boyfriend that we later wish would fry in the depths of hell. Perhaps we don’t want to see their flaws because we don’t want them to see our own. But there is no reason to stay once the writing is on the wall. Let that person go so they can find someone just as dysfunctional as they are (although I am a firm believer that the dysfunctional should not procreate). Another reason to let them go is so you can make room for the person who is right for you.

There's just not enough love in the world

2007-01-02T23:11:00.000-05:00

We live in tumultuous times. Every day the news broadcasts are filled with stories of hatred and death. The war in Iraq, genocide in Darfur, suicide bombings in many parts of the world. Mothers and fathers with broken hearts over the children sent to die to fight battles we will never understand.

It takes a lot of energy to hate. You have to come up with reasons why you are hating someone and then act upon it. It takes even more energy to hate someone you’ve never met. How do you work yourself up to a frenzy so much so that you can want to strike out at someone who may not be aware of you?

When I see communities ravaged by natural disasters or other problems I often wonder why energy isn’t put into fixing that. Instead of blowing yourself up why not build a home for a family whose home has been damaged by an earthquake? Wouldn’t it be more admirable to help a farming community grow enough food to sustain itself? Why not help establish living quarters and schools for children orphaned by AIDS?

Perhaps I am naïve because I don’t understand how you can take up arms against someone because they don’t believe what you believe or pray the way you do. The world is a diverse place and we should celebrate and embrace our differences. I know there will always be problems in the world. We can’t blame our problems on rap music or violent movies because these problems have been around since the dawn of time. But if we consider ourselves evolved creatures we need to find better ways to solve these problems instead of picking up a gun. It’s the 21stcentury and it’s really time to change the way we do things around here.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T17:41:00.000-05:00

I bet you thought I’d abandoned my blog. Not at all, just going through the normal and not so normal life things. But now I’m back and really ready for the new year.

First I wish you well in this new year. I know we all are facing lots of things in our lives and in our world that we think we may never be able to work out. But if we keep a positive mind and spirit, we can and will make it through. Having faith in ourselves can go along way.

I have made some very definite plans to set myself back on the path to the life I want for myself. I was detoured for a while but things are certainly looking brighter. I haven’t made any resolutions because I never keep them. But I have set my intentions towards certain reachable goals.

My future is bright and I love feeling the sun on my skin!

What ya need when ya need it

2006-10-05T23:52:00.001-04:00

I don't believe in chance. I think everything happens for a reason and at a proper time in all our lives. For some years now I have been sort of on a spiritual quest. Partly by choice, partly by circumstance. I have been fortunate to encounter some very special people during my quest.

Although my beliefs may not be traditional in the same sense as organized religion, I have come to believe that we are all connected to the Great Spirit whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Some of us are more open to the connection than others. By now you're saying to yourself, what the heck is she talking about. I'll just come out and say it. I do think some people have psychic abilities. No not me! Ok sure there are people out there who take advantage by preying upon the weak and scared but there are many more who share their gifts in a genuine desire to help the ones they come in contact with.

My path has been crossed by three such people over the years. The first was a lovely woman in Atlanta, who was bright and cheery and helped me through a very very difficult period. I was lost and feeling spiritually empty. She was able to help me reestablish my connection to Spirit through Buddhism and other lessons. She did tell me things that did come to pass and I was amazed. More recently before I left LA I was introduced to Simon. He'd met a friend of mine in a local eatery and we both tittered when he approached her out of the blue and said she would receive some money within a few days. Our response was "yeah right!". Well we wanted to know more when the money did arrive. Long story short, Simon opened up to me about some things I need to know and it has been very helpful while dealing with my dad's injury and recent passing.

The most recent encounter came one night when I was just surfing the net and had my Yahoo! messenger on. I received a message from a young lady regarding my writing. I was quite flattered since it is rare that women comment on my Yahoo! blog. Her name is Whisper Willow and we had a lovely chat. A few weeks later she also read for me. Although I'm usually not big on a long distance reading (I prefer a face to face reading so I can see if they are telling the truth or just guessing), I found it quite interesting. With no information I found that what she was telling me was very relevant to my situation.

Before you say I've finally gone bonkers look at it this way. Lots of us want to know if what we are doing in our lives is really working for us before we get to the finish line. I think sometimes we can get a head's up from people who bring us the information at the right time in our lives. Yes you should be wary of anyone who asks for huge sums of money or claims there's a curse on you. If they are asking more questions than giving information then by all means, walk out the door. Don't give them one red cent. That person doesn't have your best interests at heart. But you can connect with people who are truly interested in things that are for your greatest and highest good. If you are looking for such a person, I suggest you get in touch with Whisper Willow. Not only is she a good reader, she's a really nice person. I wouldn't put this in my blog if I didn't know it for myself. Whisper Willow has a site, http://www.kasamba.com/whisper-willow or http://www.myspace.com/psychicwhisperwillow. She is also accepting phone calls @ 262-728-2426.

Whether you contact Whisperwillow or someone else, be open minded. No it's not for everyone but you never know. I don't believe in fortune tellers but I do feel that sometimes we get what we need when we need it and not always from conventional places.

Living Out Loud!

2006-10-03T23:24:00.000-04:00

To my dear friends I am the gypsy, bebopping around the planet unencumbered and carefree. I would love a "normal" life. You know what I mean. The husband-2.5 kids-min van- white picket fence kind of life. But for some reason it hasn't worked out that way for me. To the kids I work with I am just another big kid. To my friends with kids, I am Auntie Mame. Someday I'd like to be mom.

But for now I just celebrate my life. I've had my ups and downs (probably more than my fair share) but I know somewhere in the core of my being my day is coming. I will come out on top. There are days when I want to give up and throw in the towel. But there are many more days that I am so grateful for it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I don't know where this path is taking me. Sometimes I feel it is a dark and lonely path. But something is telling me that when I come out, whereever it ends, it's going to be worth all the struggle and pain.

You can lead him to the chapel

2006-10-02T23:04:00.000-04:00

...but you can’t make him marry you.

You know there are all kinds of statistics about getting married. Most of them will leave any woman over the age of 25 a sobbing mess hiding in a closet preparing for spinsterhood. Every year some relationship expert proposes to know the best way to get a guy to marry you by hook or by crook. To hell with all these number crunching statisticians and know it all experts, lets face reality.

Frankly I believe it is up to the guy to decide when he is ready to marry. There are no tricks to it, no way to convince him and truly no way to change his mind if he is not marriage minded already. You are only setting yourself up for a lot of frustration and hurt feelings if you try the ploys in most of these nonsensical bestsellers. When you are ready to march down the aisle, think with your head not you heart. Would you want to drag him kicking and screaming or have him come willingly?

Most guys are not as dumb as some of these relationship books will lead you to believe. He will be quite direct in his opinions about marriage. If he says he can’t see himself married ever, he clearly means it. Leaving bridal magazines laying around will not help the situation. Just because you feel he’s the one for you does not always guarantee he will feel the same. I remember a book that was popular in the 90’s that suggested that you not jump to take his calls. It said you should let his calls go unanswered a few times and then call back some days later. I think if you try that one, he will stop calling you and call someone else. One book I read recently suggested that you give him an ultimatum to prompt him to make a decision. It advised that you insist on being married by a certain time or you will leave him. I almost fell out of my chair laughing at that one. Most guys I know would open the door for you after hearing that.

If you want your “Big Day” with all the bells and whistles, then the solution is quite simple. Seek out guys who are ready to jump the broom with you. Believe me there are plenty of them out there. Don’t waste time with a guy who still thinks of himself as a playa. It doesn’t take 5 years to figure out he’s not ever going to get down on one knee. Too often we overlook Mr. Right for Mr. Good Time Charlie.

Hi, I'm back!

2006-10-01T23:21:00.000-04:00

I had to take a little time off. I kept thinking I was doing ok but I was making a bad slide into a serious depression. I didn't want to admit that something was wrong. I just kept pretending that everything was ok. I had a lot of mixed feelings but ultimately I was just overwhelmed by everything going on in my life.

But I've decided I have to keep pushing forward no matter what. It doesn't do my any good to let the depression take over. It has paralyzed me before and I never want to go there again. So I'm fighting back with all my heart.

I'll catch up on my posts and I thank all those who wrote to say they enjoyed my perspective on things. Take care all.

Making the connection

2006-07-31T06:55:00.000-04:00

I heard an interesting statistic that 40% of Americans have no close friends and often feel lonely. Although these days we can text message, instant message, and email with some many devices to stay in touch, it seems few of us are making the connections so important to the soul. We are often arrive at work in the dark and leave in the dark. By the time we get home we are often too tired to do anymore than collapse in bed. We live hundreds of miles from family because of work or other obligations and thus cut ourselves off from what is often the center of our lives. It's never easy to make time for ourselves. Somehow that seems like a guilty pleasure in our stress driven lives. Some people can't even enjoy their vacations, when they do manage to take them. Trust me all work and no play really does make Jack a dull boy. But what can you do if you don't want to go on the blind date with the three time divorced guy your mother wants to fix you up with because his toupee is creepy? You may have reached your breaking point with neurotic women who reply to your online personal ad, and during dinner has her cellphone strapped to her face and chews with her mouth open. YIKES! Maybe you're just not ready to date. There are so many ways to make a new circle of friends. I like to think back to the time when parties were real social gatherings and not occasions to network. Ok, I'm old fashioned but it comes in handy. One idea that comes to mind is have a singles dinner (there's a reason why I'm focusing this on singles). Find a few singles at work. Invite an equal number of males and females. Then ask each to bring 1 friend. It doesn't have to be a fancy affair, it could be a very simple spread. If push comes to shove call your favorite take out place and pick it up on the way home. There is one rule- work is not the topic of conversation. Ok maybe you're a terrible cook like me but you still want to get out and meet people. In many major cities, colleges and universities often have adult education classes. These are usually non credit classes that take place for a few hours during the week or on a weekend. They can offer a huge range of classes to choose from. Not only is it a great way to expand your horizons, it's also a chance to meet people. Grab the newspaper! Lots of cities have the regular paper and sometimes even free papers that list social clubs. Your favorite hobby can be a great way to meet others with similar interests. Join a running club or ski club or even a music or book club. I know when I lived in Atlanta there were wine tasting and restaurant clubs. Sometimes it seems technology can keep us apart instead of bringing us closer together. We all need to be in the company of others. It is the best nourishment for our well being and adds balance to our lives.

Research project needs your input

2006-07-30T23:34:00.000-04:00

I promise this will be the only time I will cross post. I need to reach as many people as possible for this. It would be great to have input from all over the US and internationally. Let your friends know. The more the merrier.

Send me an email with the information to 21stcenturyvixen@earthlink.net. The parameters are simple:

Tell me about 3-5 places in your town/city that you would take a visitor to. Include their location. They do not have to be the regular tourist attractions.

They can be any of the following:

Night club
Art gallery
Amusement park
Museum
Theater
Guided tours
Store (clothing, etc)
Local event
Festivals

If there's something I haven't thought of or something that is unique to your locale, by all means submit it.

Being there

2006-07-05T02:47:00.000-04:00

But it can be done. It doesn’t have to be done all at one time either.
It’s a slow painful process that doesn’t have to take a lot of energy.
Sometimes all it takes is opening each bag and examining the contents.
If it’s something you can use, then keep it. If it’s something that is
just holding you back, then get rid of it. It just doesn’t make sense
to hold on to anything that isn’t benefiting you as a person.

More importantly is being in the now. Enjoying the moment is the best
way to leave the baggage behind. There is nothing wrong with reliving
memories, but pick the nice ones, the healthy ones. Choose the ones
that bring a smile to your face, not a wrinkle to your brow. Then you
will find your load lightening because you are no longer weighed down
by those things in your past just taking up room in your life.

Learning to breathe

2006-06-17T23:19:00.000-04:00

During the course of my dad’s illness, the drugs and infections often put him in a state of confusion. Sometimes he would say things that didn’t make sense or he would confuse memories with reality. He spent his final weeks in intensive care. They gave him every antibiotic known to man and his body made its best efforts to fight off the infection. But his body was worn out and overwhelmed. He also began to experience episodes of apnea. He would stop breathing for short periods for no reason. This scared me more than anything else. When he was hooked up to the monitors and the alarm would sound when his respiration would drop too low, I would panic and say “Daddy, you have to breathe”.

It was so hard to see him in this state and I would work really hard to keep my composure. During one visit as my Dad struggle through the pain and the muddle thinking, he looked at me and said “Buddy, you gotta learn to breathe. I’m learning to breathe”. He then zoned out again as if that statement took all his energy. Once he was asleep, I left the hospital but before I made it to the parking deck I fell apart.

Now I am haunted by that statement as I try to figure out where I will go from here with my life. Over the years it has been an enormous struggle to get my life back on track. Often in a state of fear I would be holding my breath, waiting for the outcome to my situation. I will take my Dad’s advice to heart. Now I must learn to breathe as I take steps forward, once again into the unknown.

See ya later partner

2006-06-12T12:25:00.000-04:00

In the early hours of Monday, May 29th my Poppy lost his hard fought battle and passed away. I was not there for his final breath. I don’t think I would have been able to see that. It was enough to see him slowly slip away after the doctors said there was nothing more they could do for him. These last 2 weeks since his passing have been the hardest days of my life. I miss him more than anyone could imagine.

At his funeral I prepared a short speech but somehow a drawing from one of the 4 year olds I worked with at the school ended up in my purse. My speech was in my backpack. I almost panicked just before I was to stand in front of everyone but I took a deep breath and said what I could from memory. I’d only read it over twice after I wrote it so what I did say was just the parts that meant the most. Everyone said it was meant for me to speak from my heart. It was probably better that way because I could hardly get the words out.

These are the words I wanted to say to honor my dad’s memory:

My dad was my first friend. He even gave me the nickname Buddy because whatever he did I wanted to do. As I grew up we didn’t always see eye to eye as so often happens when children become adults. Life took us down separate paths.

The accident brought our paths back together. Sometimes he was more of a comfort to me than I was to him. He accepted his situation with humbleness and quiet grace, never once expressing frustration or complaining.

In the year and a half I spent with him, we got to know each other again. I came to realize how much like him I’d become. I have his appreciation for the simple pleasures on life and his free spirit. I also came to understand he wanted more for me than he had for himself because I am so much like him.

I am so grateful for the time I had with him, although it was hard to let go. He sometimes spoke of traveling again and the places he wanted to see. Now his soul is free to go wherever he chooses, whole and without pain.

I like to imagine that the first thing Dad did after Uncle James, Uncle Eddie, and Uncle William welcomed him was to saddle up for a ride. Dad would always say see ya later partner whenever I would leave to go home. So now I say to him see ya later partner because I know he is at peace and home at last.

Bleary eyed and brain fried!

2006-05-25T23:01:00.001-04:00

It’s been a long process to get this blog going and I really appreciate it when someone sends me a comment. It’s nice to know there are people out there reading it and sometimes agree with my (occasionally) offbeat ramblings.

I was reviewing some of my postings and I caught a slew of errors. You see, sometimes I write late at night when I’m right on the edge of passing out or when my muse kicks me out of bed. Of course this always happens when I’m having some amazing dream about my future husband. Oddly enough no one has ever called me on them. Thank heavens! So I’ll be going back over some of them and fixing my mistakes.

So keep the comments coming. I even have set up an email address for you to use, so don’t be shy. It’s just nice to know you spend a few minutes with me out of your busy day. You can send to 21stcenturyvixen@earthlink.net. Now please be kind. No spam or asinine insults simply because you can. Let’s be adults about this and keep it friendly. Ciao for now!

What planet do you live on?

2006-05-25T23:01:00.000-04:00

I’ve always been a huge fan of science fiction. It can take you to new worlds and give you hope for the future. In a few instances some of what was written by the great writers of sci fi 60 years ago have come to be reality. We as human beings still dream big inspite of our differences. Ok, I’m still waiting on my flying car.

It strikes me as funny sometimes when I see reports about the possibilities of life on Mars. Some years ago I read an article on how we could eventually make Mars habitable for humans. It seems scientist have drawn up plans on how it can be done and believe it or not some politicians want to devote more money than can be made by the entire world population to make this happen. Yet every day scientists give us proof of and warnings about global warming and politicians turn a blind eye to it.

I think instead of figuring out how to bring oxygen to Mars we need to be figuring out how to keep the Sahara desert from expanding and creating usable farm land in Africa so famine can be wiped out. We should be directing our attention to saving and restoring the Amazon rainforest, which it the largest source of oxygen on the planet. Instead of building more housing which further encroach on wildlife habitats, why aren’t we going back into those areas we’ve abandoned and rebuilding them into nicer living spaces for people of all incomes.

We are being warned by Mother Nature and she’s about to spank our bottoms good! Just remember the devastion of Hurricaine Katrina. We can undo the damange before it’s too late but it will take all of us. How can we even think of inhabiting another planet when we have not taken such good care of the one we have. Instead of turning our eyes to the stars, we need to focus on healing the Earth because it is the only planet we’ve got.

Coming in second

2006-05-08T23:26:00.000-04:00

I used to make a joke about my love life. It went like this:

If a guy had a choice between me and another girl, he’d turn to me and say “ I know you’ll be good to me and we’d have a great time but I’m going to go over here with this ....(expletive deleted) who’s going to use my heart for a butt wipe. When she’s done using me for everything I’ve got and I’m a whipped puppy, I’ll call ya!”

It always got a good laugh but most people never knew how true it was. I spent most of my youth and a good part of my adult life feeling second best because I was never the one a guy would choose over all others. I was overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and became introverted. I was afraid to open myself to letting anyone get close to me. My fears ran to why let anyone get close because if they met someone else it would be over for me.

I say all that to say this to those guys who go after the women who mistreat them and take them for all their worth. Every woman is not a gold digger. Sometimes someone who shows you love just wants that in return.

Let's talk about... SAFE sex

2006-05-02T23:29:00.000-04:00

Ok, here’s the scenario, things are getting hot and heavy. You really like each other and you’ve spent hours in high flirtation mode. The big moment is about to happen and then....you want to discuss protection. Yeah right! How many of us really sit down and talk about sexual histories and health issues? We are still truly uncomfortable with that topic even in the day and age of rising cases of HIV transmission.

I worked in a pharmacy in the 80’s during the early days of the AIDS crisis. I lived in Midtown Atlanta, a largely gay neighborhood. A large percentage of our customers were HIV positive. Then the drugs were newly created and sometimes had adverse affects. It was hard on the body. Or sometimes the person would find out too late and be too far gone for the drugs to have any effect. Hence I saw the disease devastate a lot of lives. Some I befriended and each time one passed away I took it very hard. I vowed that I would never become a statistic. These days we know so much more about HIV and other STDs yet we still act like it will never happen to us. The drugs are much more advanced and carriers are living longer, more active lives. But the numbers are climbing. The largest group of rising cases is black females. But that’s another blog entry.

I once spoke to a group of elementary school children (6th graders) about the rudiments of sex. Don’t worry I didn’t describe the mechanics of it or give them graphic descriptions of anatomy. I tried to answer their questions about when is the right time to have sex in a manner that was age appropriate for them. More importantly I tried to impress upon them the need to be responsible for their own health. And just like I told those 6th graders, if you think you’re big enough to have sex, you’re big enough to protect yourself from disease transmission and unwanted pregnancy.

So the before you get hot and heavy with someone, be mature enough to talk about your histories and practices. If you really care about the person you’re going to be with, it shouldn’t be a problem. And if you can’t be with the one you love, then glove the one you’re with. You know what I mean.

Taking it's toll

2006-05-01T23:08:00.000-04:00

Wow, I’ve been away a really long time. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends, working and looking after my parents. Recently my mom had a bit of a health scare and my dad also went back into the hospital. It is never easy to see your parents grow old and especially in light of my dad’s injury each infection hits him harder and harder.

Unfortunately I’ve not been taking care of myself so I am exhausted a lot of the time. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to take care of all the things I need to do so something gets neglected, usually me. I am sick at least once a month because of all the time I spend between the nursing home and the hospital. I try to eat right and get enough sleep but that is never easy when you are worried about someone you love.

To add to that my job will run out at the end of the month because of the end of the school year and I have no clue what I will do next. I have been home for a year and a half, which is a little longer than I intended and I’m ready to move on. I need to get back on my feet and become independent again.

So if any of my wonderful visitors have any ideas or suggestions, feel free to let me know. So many of you have been incredibly supportive since I started this blog. Thanks to all.

This ain't Mexico North

2006-04-11T07:02:00.000-04:00

I’m sure some people will find this entry insensitive or maybe even racist. I usually stay away from political topics but I don’t feel this is a political issue. It is a matter of pride, American pride. This is not just about illegals from Mexico but anyone who enters the US by sneaking in.

Why are we allowing foreigners to tell us what to do in our country? When I lived in California, illegal immigrant advocates were trying to force the state to issue drivers licenses to undocumented workers. Thank goodness Californians saw that for what it was and it didn’t pass. Now that the American Congress is trying to strengthen our immigration laws, the people who are here illegally want to cry foul. When they enter into the country through clandestine border crossings, then they are breaking the law. If they want to be here, then why not go through proper channels? Now they are protesting in the streets of our cities, waving the Mexican flag (they had to be told to carry American flags), demanding that we let them in. If they are here illegally they have no right to make demands on our local, state, or federal governments.

It seems our politicians are determined to let America go down the toilet. They are worried about courting the Hispanic vote. My personal experience (as a poll taker in San Diego, California a few years ago) is that illegals don’t vote!! The undocumented workers claim they should be able to stay because they pay their share of taxes. If they are undocumented they are not paying taxes because they don’t want to call attention to themselves. But my taxes go to pay for government forms to be printed in multiple languages; extra classes for their children who don’t speak English in school (ESL); the cost of emergencies services when an undocumented alien needs medical attention without insurance, etc etc

They talk about how good their lives are here in America. Well if that is the case, then go back across the border and apply for visas and then citizenship. Follow the law! Why aren’t they looking at their government officials such as Vicente Fox to improve the infrastructures and economies of the countries of Central and South America to make the lives of citizens better in their own countries? Why should President Fox do anything to bring up Mexico when he is telling them it is their right to come into the US? We as American citizens should be flooding his mailbox, email, and phone lines telling him to keep his people in their country. We should also be contacting our representatives and congressmen to let them know we will not stand behind a law that will allow a free ride to people who live here illegally, whether they’ve been here 1 year or 20 years. If someone has lived here illegally for 20 years and has not made any attempt to legalize their status, they should be deported.

When our government keeps us living in fear of terrorists attacking us on our own soil, we have every right to strengthen our borders. If it means putting up walls 15 feet tall embedded with glass and topped with razor wire to keep people from entering our country illegally, then so be it. Let’s put our tax dollars to work by employing more well trained/equipped border guards instead of training workers at the DMV to be multilingual.

I can see nothing good coming of this if Congress buckles under the pressure. Lest we forget the Cuban Mariel boatlifts of in the 1980’s. Castro opened the floodgates and allowed the most undesirable elements to leave Cuba to come to the US. As a result crime rates in Florida (and other places) skyrocketed. It has been said that these undocumented workers will take jobs Americans won’t do (and according to President Fox, even Blacks won’t do). If you thought outsourcing our jobs overseas was bad, just wait until companies start hiring undocumented workers to do your job for lower wages. It will totally undermine the already struggling poor and vanishing middle class.

If I should try to enter another country illegally, they will check my documents at the point of entry. If they find that I don’t have every I dotted and every T crossed, they will send my butt back to the US immediately with no regards as to whether I have a place to go when I return. When Americans go to other countries, we are expected to behave according to local customs and laws. I never saw a little America when I lived in Greece.

I have been abroad and I understand why it is others view us as the most powerful nation in the world. I have no problem with anyone who wants to come to the US for whatever reason. But when they come they should do it by the book. With the appropriate documents and identification. Frankly I think the INS should have had buses waiting at some of the protests sites to arrest anyone who could not show proof of being here legally and send them back to their countries of origin.

You could keep your pants on

2006-03-31T21:51:00.001-05:00

Just when I think I’ve heard everything, along comes something that sinks mankind to a new low of stupidity. There is a young man in Michigan who thinks he should not have to pay child support for his daughter because he didn’t want to have a child with his (ex) girlfriend. He feels that because she knew he did not want children with her and she chose to keep the baby, he should be able to opt out of child support. She had the option of abortion or adoption.

Well he also had a couple of options. He could have covered it or cut it (I mean a vasectomy but in his case castration might be better) HE knew he didn’t want kids with her, so HE should have taken precautions to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Another option was he didn’t have to have sex with her at all. He could have found someone he did feel worthy of bearing the fruit of his loins.

But now his is choosing to punish the child because of his issues with the mother. Is this the way a man should face up to his responsibilities? If a man could choose to opt out of child support for the simple reason that he didn’t want to have children with that woman, there would be a lot more kids living in poverty and a population boom at that. There would be no consequence for a man fathering as many children as he could make in a lifetime and then leaving them to fend for themselves. I have often felt that if men could feel a similar connection as the mother during pregnancy, it might not be so easy for them to walk away. But for now the connection is a fiduciary one.

I do not believe any one should be forced to pay child support for a child that is not his or a husband paying for a child conceived outside of a marriage(ie if the wife has an affair and becomes pregnant by her lover). I also think no one should have to pay exorbitant amounts of child support. That basically amounts to extortion by court order. But when two people are in a relationship and a child results from that relationship, then step up and be a man.

I say to any women who see Matt Dubay coming, run don’t walk to the nearest exit! It’s quite apparent that he is not capable of handling adult responsibilities. I suggest to him that perhaps he should remain celibate until such time that he gets a clearer understanding of where babies come from.

Losing my hero

2006-03-31T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have often said Dads know what influence they have in their sons’ lives but they rarely realize the impact they have on their daughters’ lives. For a girl, her Dad is her first example of what men are suppose to be like. They are a reflection of the type of men she will draw into her life as an adult. A Dad is her cowboy, her knight in shining armor, her superman.

In the last year and a half I have been doing my very best to tend to my dad since his accident. I have watched him put on a brave face when he has visitors and then be exhausted for a couple of days after. I have watched his body wracked with muscle uncontrollable muscle spasms that zap his energy. His compromised immune system has fought all kinds of infections.

This latest very lengthy stay in the hospital has really taken a toll on his spirit. It breaks my heart to hear him say certain things to indicate that he is giving up. But I understand that he has fought the good fight and he is tired. This is not a life for someone who was a very active person. I am preparing myself for that day and I will respect whatever his wishes may be.

My dad was my first friend. He was the one person who would listen to me as I was quite a curious little chatterbox, full of a million questions that all needed answering right now. We had nicknames for each other when I was growing up. When I returned home and he saw me, he called me that for the first time in many years. He wanted to let me know he appreciated me being here. In a lot of ways I am just like him. Although I once traded away my sister and brother, I have never wished to have anyone else as my Poppy. And I will forever be his Buddy.

For Love and Money

2006-03-27T23:12:00.000-05:00

Several of my friends live together with their girlfriends in monogamous long term relationships. There is of course love and respect but then there is dead silence when it comes to the topic of money. How could this be? If your relationship is built on a sound foundation why shouldn’t every topic be open for honest discussion? After all you’ve talked about everything from sex to religion. It seems love runs afoul when the matter of dollars and cents comes into play.

I’ve been reading a (relationship) book that says money/finances should be discussed as soon as a couple decides they are going to be a couple. Each partner should know what the other brings to the table in assets and debts. But when most guys are afraid of being trapped by a gold digger, he often feels as though he is being pumped for info rather than it being just another aspect of the relationship. If you are willing to share your lives, why not be willing to share everything?

So how do you decide how the responsibilities should be shared? Do you go the traditional route of the guy shouldering the majority of the burden or is everything split down the middle? Although men still have more earning power than women, what do you do if she earns more? Getting over the initial fear of disclosure can be a groundbreaking event. But if you are honest with your partner it is not impossible.

I’ve always thought the best solution was that you have 3 bank accounts. No I’m not crazy. One account for each partner and then a joint household account. Each partner contributes his/her fair share to the household account (rent or mortgage, utilities, food, cable). Then each partner has his/her private account for debts they are singularly responsible for (child support, student loans, car payments etc). This could possibly lead to less resentment about money when neither partner feels like they are doing more than they should. In the (unfortunate) event that the relationship ends it will be simple enough to close the joint account without animosity.

You should never let one thin dime come between you and the person you love. If you see dollars signs in his/her eyes when you pull out your platinum card perhaps you should be thinking more with your head than your heart.

Don't kill the messenger

2006-03-14T23:03:00.000-05:00

Lately the website myspace.com has been takinga lot of hits. But not the kind they’d like. They’ve been all over the newsbecause of abuse of their service. It was designed to be a friendly environmentfor young people to stay connected and make more friends. But of course itonly took a few instances of adults using it as a feeding ground to ruinsomething that could be a good thing. The company has had its’ name and reputationsullied not because of their actions but for the actions of others.

This goes out to parents. Adults (pedophiles in particular) can not get to your children if you know what they are doing online. The experts all givethe same advice. Use it!! You are the main line of defense when it comesto the safety of your kids, no matter how old they are.

1. Don’tkeep the computer in your child’s room. Keep it in a common family area.It will be hard to keep secrets if someone could walk by.
2. Limit the amount of time your kid spends online. Kick their butts outside for some sunshine and exercise.
3. If you allow your child to have their own personal email account, you be the one to set the preferences and controls.
4. Tell your child what is inappropriate in a chat.
5. Use internet services that notify you when your child is having inappropriate chat.
6. DO know who your child’s friends are. I am so tired of hearing storiesabout parents who dropped their kid at the mall to meet a “friend” but they didn’t know who the friend was. Sadly it turns out the person theywere meeting was someone they were chatting with online who happens to bean adult.

These days too many parents want to be their child’s bestfriend instead of being a parent. They don’t want to set limits or imposerules for for fear of the child hating them But wouldn’t it be better tobring up your child than to bury him or her because they fell into the hands of the wrong person?

This is my South

2006-03-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

I consider myself a Yankee Southerner. Although I was born and reared in New York, I have spent vast amounts of time in the South. I’ve bounced around a lot but somehow I always come home... to the South. I’ve been spoiled by it and I can’t think of any place I’d like to be more.

After returning to New York briefly, I discovered I didn’t enjoy Indian disco music as much as my neighbors. Especially at 2AM. I’d gotten used to the nearest neighbor being several yards away on the other side of my property when I’m back in Georgia. I missed the openness of my neighborhood when I was in LA , because everyone there lives behind locked gates. Locks and gates cut you off from the rest of the world and keep you locked up in fear. Although I love Europe I miss being able to take my favorite blanket out into my backyard, so I can lay down to see the stars at night.

I once asked my British friend Funky if I could get grits in the UK. He replied he didn’t know what a grit was but he was sure he could find them. In the South nobody is watching their carbs. Every occasion is a reason to celebrate with food. I’ve had many happy naps with my dogs after filling my belly with sweet, smoky barbeque (and their bellies with the bones) on a hot, humid summer afternoon.

I lived in Atlanta for 13 years. I’ve watched it evolve from a good ol’ boy town to an international powerhouse. Now that I travel a lot each time I come home, it’s all new to me. But the people never change. You will always be able to get sweetened tea at your favorite restaurant. There will always be that unique southern drawl and the take your time attitude. And this is My South

Needing to vent

2006-03-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

Lately I’ve been taking steps to change my life. I’m planning a big move in the next few months and I’m putting all my energy and resources into this. I was hoping all would go smoothly and when the time came I would fly off into the sunset.

But sadly this is not the case. When I came home to help out with my dad, I never thought I would have stayed this long. I have been home now for a year and four months. Now that my dad is more stable I feel it is time to rejoin life. I think he would be disappointed if I just gave up my life completely. So I set a goal and made a plan/ Last year when I had no plan I was able to save enough money to get me through the summer comfortably. Ok eBay sellers got a chunk of it, but I made it through. But now that I know what I want to do, I have come up against every obstacle you can possibly imagine. I am so frustrated I want to scream and cry at the same time. Bear in mind I’m doing this all by myself. There is no significant other and no familial support.

So what’s next? I haven’t got a clue. I’m using ever brain cell to come up with a solution. For once I don’t want to step out on the edge on a wish and a prayer. I’d like to make the leap knowing I will make a soft landing.

Show her your love

2006-03-08T06:10:00.000-05:00

I don’t want to be accused of beating up on my own gender for the part they play in relationships. It really does take two to make a relationship work. Guys really aren’t thoughtless, self absorbed buffoons who are unable to distinguish Ferragamo from Fila.

We know it can be so easy to settle down and forget about the courtship once you’ve “got the girl”. Sure you might not take her out to dinner as often or you only buy flowers when you’re in the doghouse. Would you even know she was in the room during the big game if she was wearing pasties and 5 inch patent leather stilettos.

It really doesn’t take a lot to show her you aren’t taking her for granted. Simple pleasure are always the best and the often don’t cost a think.

Being There

2006-03-06T23:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it’s hard to be in the present. We all have baggage. Some of us have little change purses, some of us have that 16 piece matching set of Louis Vitton luggage. We can take it with us every where and into every situation. It can be so difficult to put the bags down and let them go.

But it can be done. It doesn’t have to be done all at one time either. It’s a slow painful process that doesn’t have to take a lot of energy. Sometimes all it takes is opening each bag and examining the contents. If it’s something you can use, then keep it. If it’s something that is just holding you back, then get rid of it. It just doesn’t make sense to hold on to anything that isn’t benefiting you as a person.

More importantly is being in the now. Enjoying the moment is the best way to leave the baggage behind. There is nothing wrong with reliving memories, but pick the nice ones, the healthy ones. Choose the ones that bring a smile to your face, not a wrinkle to your brow. Then you will find your load lightening because you are no longer weighed down by those things in your past just taking up room in your life.

How can you cheat in cyberspace?

2006-02-27T01:07:00.000-05:00

I have often wondered does a cyber relationship with someone who is involved in a real life relationship constitute cheating. I’ve heard both sides of the argument and I tend to side with the NOs. Oh yes you’re probably calling me every name in the book for that one but let’s look at this rationally. How can you cheat with someone you’ve never met?

Sure we say all kinds of sweet romantic things in a chat or email but realistically it’s not love. More or less it’s just lusting after your fantasy person. You’re not there with that person through their everyday lives. They can sit in front of their computer and paint a really rosy picture of what you imagine in might be like to be together. But after a few hours you have to go back to the real world. Bills have to be paid, dinner has to be cooked, and kids have to be put to bed. You don’t get to see that person when they wake up scarier than the devil on Prozac.

I think the only person that gets cheated in a cyber relationship is you if your wasting time devoting energy to someone who is already involved on an LTR or already married. There are plenty of single men and women out there who would love to find their ideal (not fantasy) person. If you’re the involved party perhaps you should step back and examine what is lacking your relationship and think of ways to fix it rather than spending hours online looking for something outside to fill the void.

Show him your love

2006-02-27T00:10:00.000-05:00

We are all often dazzled by the beauty we see in relationships on TV and in the movies. Everything is just perfect and all the pieces fall into place in the proper order. We then look at our own lives and it pales in comparison. Wake up girls!!

Show your fella some appreciation for his efforts. Valentine’s day is now a fading memory and the empty candy boxes and cards are disappearing into landfills. I can’t believe I have found women who have hit an all time low of ingratitude. Is he psychic?? How would he know what you expect from him unless you tell him? Don’t be afraid to talk about what you’d like in your relationship. It won’t scare him off and quite simply he’ll appreciate not having to guess at what you are thinking. Don’t bang him over the head with it, just talk about things you’d like in the relationship when the opportunity presents it’s self.

When he does do something nice for you, whatever the occasion, appreciate it! It is truly the thought that counts. Don’t make him jump through hopes for every compliment he gets. A little gratitude will go a long way.

I don't believe in modern love

2006-02-22T23:23:00.000-05:00

Find Mr or Miss Right can be a monumental task theses days. My parents are quite perturbed at my on going single status and their lack of grandchildren. They can’t understand why I have not found some great guy, settled down, and gone whole hog for the American dream. They don’t realize it’s not the same as when they met (in the 60’s!). My mom was this wild city girl and my dad a sweet country boy just coming to the big city. I imagine it must have been like fire and gasoline for them.

Well I’ve sort have been busy living life and oopps, some how life didn’t drop a knight in shining armor in my lap. So what do I do now? My night club days are over. And even then I was always being singled out by guys who were looking for someone to cheat on their girlfriends or wives with. I don’t think I have Mistress tattooed on my forehead. I’m not too picky and at this stage my standards have been reduced to he must at least have his own teeth and not live at home with his mom, grandmother, or other female relative.

Well I have a few potential suitors from my online pursuits but of course the good ones live thousands of miles away. I have serious problems with online personal ads. It seems despite my rather carefully thought out description of what I’m look for, I’m only attractive to men in the 60-70 age range with excessively hairy bodies and rather small.... well you get the idea. If you want to know how I found that out, they rather proudly attach pictures of themselves in all their wrinkled, hairy glory! Trust me I’m no Anna Nicole.

So until I can figure out something or perhaps bump into Mr Right at the mall like a movie magic moment, I’ll continue living life. Ya never know that knight might just be in armor that just needs a little polishing

I knew the first time I saw...

2006-02-20T23:01:00.001-05:00

I used to love hearing about how my parents met. They always started the story out the same way. They met at a party. At that point the story has divergent endings. My mom claims my dad was the pursuer and of course he says she was. It always used to make me laugh. My mom was this wild city girl and my dad was this sweet country boy just coming to the big city. I imagine it was like fire and gasoline.

My dear pal Funky posed an interesting question once. He originally stated that women chose the one. He quoted “women chose one, men choose many” and asked which is true? I think men chose the one first. I grew up with mostly male friends. I’ve watched the evolution of their relationships. Sure men choose many but when there is that one woman who catches their eye, they know in that instant that there is NO other woman for them but her. Sometimes they know before they even know her name.

I think that women stay in the looking for the prince in the frog phase too long. By that I mean they go down that little checklist they’ve been carrying since they discovered boys before they realize this is a great guy just as he is. But for men, when they’ve found their princess, they make all the efforts necessary to win her over. He will tap dance like Gregory Hines to make sure she notices him.

Believe me when a guy has chosen you, he’ll make sure you have a wonderful story to tell your children someday.

Confessions of a Bombshell

2006-02-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

I admit it, I enjoy being a girl! I love being flirtatious and charming, and getting special treatment. I’ve been bumped to first class more than once because of it and I got through security at the Malpensa airport in Milan because of my smile. I know most feminist would want to beat me with a flaming bra for this but it’s great that my feminine wiles are good for something. I promise to use my powers for good and not evil.

It wasn’t always like this. I grew up a tomboy. Yes I climbed trees and fought with boys. It was a major battle to get me into a dress for any occasion. Through high school I wore my hair in pigtails, clad in my dad’s oversized shirts and jeans. I had no time for preening myself like a peacock as the other teenage girls did. Oddly enough, I wrote a fashion column for my high school paper (even receiving an award for it). I spent my 20’s cultivating my mind with college and life experience.

I was clearly a late bloomer. Imagine my mother’s shock when she learned a few years ago that I have a closet full of dresses and high heeled shoes. Now into my 40’s I notice the effect I have on the male of the species. My voluptuous curves are appreciated and applauded. I’m no longer the skinny kid who made Olive Oyl look like Marilyn Monroe. Men weaken at my standoffish attitude and easy going demeanor.

What drives men wild are not the clingy demands of the ever spoiled insecure diva but the devil may care attitude of the elusive bombshell. Remember divas are made but bombshells are born.

1+1 does not always =2

2006-02-19T23:21:00.000-05:00

Some people giggle when they hear the expression that women give sex for love and men give love for sex. Sometimes it can eve erupt into a lively discussion of male/female relationships. Ultimately someone gets their feelings hurt and then takes their ball and goes home.

No one wants to admit that they can’t separate sex from love. Too often we form relationships based on one week of wild passion, only to realize 6 months down the line we can’t stand the sight of that person. . I know it’s hard but we really should use our heads instead of out nether regions when it comes to matters of the heart. Actually spending time with the person might be more telling than if they know every position in the Kama Sutra and the Pillow books. A friend of mine recently discovered how uncultured and sheltered his girlfriend is during a 7 day cruise. They couldn’t escape each other on the close confines of the ship. It was a real eye opener for him.

This leads back to the importance of dating. I know it sounds quite old fashioned in this fast paced 21st century lifestyle. But it gives each person an opportunity to find common ground. There’s nothing wrong with taking it slow. Once you see someone naked it changes everything and all logic goes out the window. Sometimes stepping back from the lust can lead to something more meaningful and fulfilling.

She's just not diggin' you

2006-02-12T23:19:00.001-05:00

I have a dear friend who is intent on marrying a girl who just isn’t right for him. It’s as plain as the nose on his face but for some reason he keeps putting his energy into this one sided relationship. He does all the work and she sits back and reaps the benefits. I’ve talked to him until I’m blue in the face but ultimately he is going to do whatever he wants.

Usually it’s women who are accused of staying in bad relationships for all the wrong reasons. But it is apparent guys do it too. He and I have spent hours discussing the situation. I’ve begged and pleaded with him to let this go because she will never be the girl he wants her to be. So I posed some questions to him to help him realize that he is going down a path that will lead to failure and (more) heartache. This could apply to guys or girls because too many times we seem to have blinders on when it comes to a simple thing called love.

1. Name one thing that she does for you that is non sexual.

2. What is her response to your plans for a future? ( My friend asked this girl to marry him 3 times and she still never said yes definitely)

3. Has she ever cooked for you? (Even if all she ever did was make a sandwich, that counts for something)

4. Do you make excuses for behavior that you know is otherwise inexcusable?

I spent 9 years with a guy who was very wrong for me. I’m glad I finally woke up when I did. I didn’t have anybody to shake me back into reality. Reality is don’t put your energy into something that clearly isn’t working. While you’re doing that, the right person could pass you by.

Oh get over yourself!

2006-02-12T23:19:00.000-05:00

I read Dear Abby all the time. Sometimes I am amazed by people’s behavior. Recently something I read just really took the cake.

A man wrote in highly upset because he found out that his wife of 15 years had intimate relationships (one with a married man), before she met him. He even stated that he felt she had cheated him. He his having a hard time with this issue because she should have been a virgin when they married. He even resorted to calling her dirty and a slut.

I really want to ask this guy- What color is the sky in your universe!??? Oh yes she was just waiting for you to show up on her doorstep. She is a terrible person because she should have known you were coming for her. Get a grip. Were you a virgin on your wedding night? More than likely not but you’ve held out these standards for her. Low and behold 15 years into the marriage you are just devastated??! Never mind that she’s been a faithful wife to you all these years.

If this particular thing was so important to you, why didn’t you discuss it 15 years ago. It would have saved you all this so called heartache and perhaps her eyes would have been open to what a selfish cry baby you are. Perhaps she would have chosen differently as well.

So stop being a drama queen and you need to pray she’ll forgive your insecure stupidity. If I had been her you would not have had a tooth left in your face when the S word left your lips.

To some it may seem like I’m busting his chops but then I guess he’s lucky I’m not Dear Abby.

Only Barbie should be plastic

2006-01-02T23:43:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here watching a show on plastic surgery disasters. I am just amazed as to how young the women are who are having these drastic surgeries. These are women who are already very attractive yet they feel the need to make changes when there is nothing to fix. It is only after they go through this that they realize looks aren't everything. DUH!!

I've seen the reports about women needing bigger and bigger breasts or several sessions of liposuction. They have the fat sucked out of one place and injected in another place. They endure painful Botox shots, a product made from the same poison as botulism in an effort to stave off the ravages of time. They just keep going back for more, hardly giving previous surgeries a chance to heal. Eventually a woman can change herself so much her own dog barks every time she comes into the room. Could this be blamed on society's attitude about looks or is this just something in their heads? Perhaps it is a little of both.

I've noticed the evolution of toys for girls. This is usually the first place where little girls get the images of what it means to be a woman. When I was little it was Barbie. She had the pointy boobs, the impossibly tiny waist, and legs that were disproportionate to real life. As Barbie has gotten older her boobs have gotten bigger. Then along came the Bratz dolls. They are kind of cute and but again they have bodies that are really unattainable by natural biology or exercise. They have big butts and tiny waists. So what are little girls suppose to assume from this? Most psychologists think this can lead to poor body image in girls. It can be followed by eating disorders, etc.

So what does someone do if they are already insecure about their looks? They may have spend time and money at the gym, on make up, and clothes to hide what they feel is wrong with them. No amount of compliments can change their mind. That unreal image of perfection is ingrained in them. The last resort is seeing the doctor to carve them into this imagined perfection.

There are no quick fixes, no magic bullets. Work with what you've got. Treat your body with respect and reverence. There's nothing wrong with the occasional pint of Chunky Monkey. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with growing old gracefully.

Living life for you

2005-12-31T22:11:00.000-05:00

I’ve decided to finally take more control of my life. I’m feeling a little more confidant, a little more empowered. I used to live to please everyone else. As long as I was there to take care of their needs then it was all good. When I decided to take care of my own needs, then all hell broke loose. You would be amazed at the resistance you meet when you decide to test your wings.

You can never live your life for others. They will go on with their lives while you keep taking care of their needs. They know they can always count on you. They know you will put their needs ahead of your own. Then as time goes by you wonder why you haven’t accomplished your own goals and dreams. It is ok to help out but not to the point where you are the first person they call when they need something.

It can be a hard habit to break. If you are a little afraid, start slowly. Wean them off you. Make yourself less available. Even if you don’t have plans for your time, learn to say no sometime. Yes it can be scary but it will help you gain strength and confidence. Aside from preparing you to spread your wings, it also teaches the ones you take care of not to be so dependent on you.

All I want for Christmas

2005-12-24T21:00:00.000-05:00

I had an incredible internal debate about writing this one. I didn’t want you guys to think I’m some sniveling whiny coward. But the whole point of this blog thing is to share. So here goes.

As I’ve said in previous posts things haven’t been so great for me for some time. I try not to let it get to me but of course as it is the holidays and close to the new year it does weigh heavy on my heart and mind. My Christmas wish is to find someone to share life with. I’m not looking for someone to take care of me. I have learned over the years that I can take care of myself. I’m not looking for a guy to lavish countless gifts on me or pay my bills. Money isn’t everything. And I know my time to shine is coming and my fortunes will change for the better. I’m not looking for a knight in shining armor. I don’t need rescuing.

In the last couple of years I’ve felt like the Universe is just screwing with me. I’ve had a couple of really nice dates winding up in odd situations. I had the perfect Saturday date with a guy in New York, only to board a plane to LA the next day. He and I have kept in touch via the net. Once I got to LA, I had a lovely date with a very sweet guy. He was an absolute gentleman and I thought surely there would be a second date. Lo and behold, he moved to Taiwan and was gone for 2 years. We also kept in touch by email and phone calls in the odd hours of the night. Yes these stories are good for a giggle but they also make me feel sad that I’ve come close but no cigar.

So you might ask, what is she looking for? I’ve thought about it a lot. I just want someone who is ready to share himself with me, just as I would with him. Someone who will be there when I’ve just gotten the millionth rejection letter but who’s also game for a good pillow fight. I would hope he’ll laugh as loud as I do when watching Bugs Bunny cartoons in bed. He’ll eat my cooking even after knowing that my friends have long since stopped being my personal guinea pigs. He’ll teach me about his favorite sport and won’t send me out of the room when I ask a weird question. He could look like Marty Feldman for all I care. All that would matter is that he wanted to be with me because he likes the person that I am.

I know this is a lot to ask of Santa. But I’ve been a really good girl this year.

Living fearlessly!

2005-12-18T18:34:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I refer to my life as Mr. Toad’s wild ride. It’s a delightful children’s story. Mr. Toad gets a car and enjoys the experience fully despite that fact that he can’t drive and tears up the countryside. He does it with his whole self and is never bothered by the fact that it could be ....well dangerous.

We are taught as children the world is a dangerous place and unfortunately this can follow us into adulthood. It can stop us in our tracks from pursuing the things that have the most meaning to us. We must then relearn to let go of the fear of the unknown. It can distract us from our true intentions. It can keep us locked in darkness afraid to shine light on our desires. Sometimes we are afraid that we will look foolish in front of others. We maybe afraid that we don’t have the tools to achieve what we are reaching for. It whispers in our ear that what we want is beyond our reach. But we can learn to squash fear like a bug!

Don’t be afraid to step out on that ledge! Have faith that when you land, you will land safely. Believe me I’ve been there often enough to know the landing may not always be soft but it is one you can walk away from. No matter what you can pick yourself up and go on. But at least you took the leap. Each time you try you will be stronger until at last, you’ve reached your goal.

2006-The year of the Vixen

2005-12-18T18:34:00.001-05:00

I’ve spent many years on a personal quest of rebirth, rebuilding, and spiritual growth. Not by choice but by circumstance. It has been an incredible journey. I’ve lost a lot of material things, I’ve gained a lot of personal insight. I’ve found out who my friends were when times got hard. I learned that angels are real when I thought all was lost. I’ve had my good days, bad days, and days when I just didn’t want to get out of bed. But somehow I made it through.

But through it all, I’ve never let go of my dreams. Yeah it has been hard to hold on when I felt like the ship is sinking. But without my dreams I am nothing. Strange though it maybe there is something inside me that will not allow me to settle for anything less. I could take the easy route and do what others want me to do but I wouldn’t be happy and I’d live the rest of my life wondering “what if”. So I persevere, knowing with full faith that I will succeed.

So I declare 2006 the year of the Vixen. It is mine to claim and I will happily share with you. It is my time to shine. The seeds I’ve sown all these years will now bear the fruit of my labor. And as I progress I will be an open book to you. Hope you enjoy the ride.

Putting it off until tomorrow

2005-12-18T18:34:00.000-05:00

Procrastination is one of my worst character flaws. I am forever making priority lists that never get completed because I can always find a way or a reason to put it off. I don’t know why I do this or how it got to be this bad. I’m finally to a point where it drives me buggy and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m really big on self examination and I’ve tried to find the underlying cause but nothing has come up so far.

But at least I managed to write this particular entry. I’d planned to do it some weeks ago but of course something came up and I had to put it off. Ok Ok I’m a work in progress.

Love lift us up

2005-12-05T23:06:00.000-05:00

I was going through my agenda when I came across an old magazine article. I’d ripped it out years ago and now it’s a little yellowed and dog eared. I had to reread it. It’s the writer’s perspective on the beauty of his parents’ marriage. At the time it was written they were celebrating their 50th anniversary. What he recognized was the mutual respect and admiration they held. They brought out the best in each other and honored the relationship.

Whenever I see a wedding video where the new bride and groom smash cake into each other’s faces, it saddens me a little. The act of feeding each other is suppose to symbolize the new bond they will share. Smashing cake seems to be a bit passive aggressive and pretty much sets the tone for the marriage it’s self. You should always have plenty of laughs along the way but not at the expense of your loved one.

It seems to me the marriages that last the longest are the ones where the partners have special regard for the safety and well being of their significant other. I don’t mean safety in the physical sense but emotionally and spiritually. They support each other in pursuit of their individual goals as well as common goals. The concept of what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine does not exist in these relationships because they take more care and energy in building something that is ours.

So while I don’t believe men and women are meant to mate for life, I do commend those who have managed to make it last through the years. I admire those people who have have not let the rough patches knock them off course and can still languish in the afterglow just as if it were still their honeymoon.

Grandmothers are angels too

2005-11-25T13:45:00.001-05:00

I have two very beautiful people in my life. They are my grandmothers, my mom’s mom and stepmom. They are just the most amazing spirits I have ever encountered. They have had it tough and it made them tough too. So when I feel like giving up, they lift me up. They won’t let me give up on myself when I feel lost. They are my saving grace. Although they will never see this tribute to them (what’s the internet??), they already know how I feel about them. I feel truly honored to have them as my grandmothers and they will always have a special place in my life and my heart.

Breaking through your comfort zones

2005-11-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

For the last few years I have been on a path of spiritual and emotional growth. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the people around me. In order to grow sometimes you have to let go of things, whether they are material or intangible. When my life started changing I felt things were out of control. I would describe what was happening as being on the edge of a cliff. When critical things would happen, it would feel like I had to jump off or I would be pushed off. This symbolized being able to make decisions and trusting the outcome. At first it was very scary because I never knew if I was going to land safely or hit with a splat!

But all of this is important to growth and moving beyond self imposed boundaries. You never know what you are capable of until you try. It can be scary and you’ll want to turn back but it is always worth that extra push. But know that when you move beyond your comfort zones others will feel uncomfortable. They will want to pull you back and discourage you from going on. But if your goal is really meaningful and worth it to you, you must persevere.

Don’t be afraid to take the leap. No matter what you will land just where you need to be. And there will always be a safe, soft place for you to land.

Never give up your dreams

2005-11-24T17:18:00.000-05:00

I feel that when someone tries to put you down for pursuing your dreams it’s because they have forgotten their own. It can be hard to go on when you may not have the support of family or friends. But as long as it is not something that is dangerous to you or others then go for it. Don’t let anyone make you believe you are less than capable of achieving your goals.

When I feel like giving up, I am often inspired by a book I read in the 4th grade. It’s called Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It’s a quick read but a very powerful story. The jist of the story is about a seagull who wants more out of his life. He doesn’t listen to the negative talk from the other seagulls and eventually he breaks through the boundaries of being an ordinary seagull. He pushes his mind and his body to the breaking point but ultimately achieves his goal.

When you go after something that others deem unreal, just remember you are making them uncomfortable by reaching for something they would be afraid to. Don’t let their fears and self doubts become yours. You don’t want to look back on your life, wishing you had done something when you had the chance.

That's why TVs have remote controls

2005-11-23T12:00:00.000-05:00

Every week I watch Nip/Tuck, it is my one guilty pleasure. It is gritty and edgy and really holds my interest. Although at first I found the adult language a little over the top, I am an adult. And that’s just my point. I can choose what I want to watch because I can make my own decisions as to what is entertaining or offensive to me. But of course there is this group of people who think they know what's best for the rest of the planet. Advertisers pulled out because they were heavily pressured by these know it alls.

When will these people learn to mind their own business? If you don’t like what is on TV then don’t watch. It’s just that simple, turn the channel. Or better still, get rid of your TV so you won’t be tempted. I don’t tell you not to let your kids watch Barney even though I deplore that Prozac popping purple beast. It is not up to anyone but me to make decisions for me or anyone else for that matter. I like many others adults are perfectly capable of making choices for ourselves in all aspects of our lives. The only people you should be concerned with are the children in your life.

Introducing Mr. and Mr.

2005-11-23T11:59:00.000-05:00

Love is never a simple thing. It can be even more complicated when you’re gay. In these modern times being gay still scares a lot of people. I have never understood why. Frankly I don’t care who someone sleeps with or what goes on between consenting adults.

Gay marriage is an even more sensitive subject. So many people oppose it for many reasons, none of which make sense to me. I think that if you find someone you want to spend your life with you should be allowed to, gay or straight. How does it hurt me if a gay or lesbian couple gets married? It doesn’t because it’s not my life. I’ve heard people who argue against it say marriage is for procreation. So does that mean straight couple shouldn’t be allowed to marry they choose not to have kids? We wouldn’t dare.

There are a lot of straight people who live on the edge of morality, yet they feel it is ok to dictate right or wrong. When more than half of American marriages end in divorce, how much do they really know? Hmmmm? So if gays want to marry, they have the same right to lose half their stuff as everyone else.

Saying goodbye to a good friend

2005-11-22T23:00:00.000-05:00

Well the day I dreaded most has finally come. My beloved Thing One is
gone. He was a little more than 9 years old. He has done his bid for
king and country. Ok you maybe asking yourself why do I personify a
computer. Why refer to something that can not eat or breath as beloved
or give it a name? My pal Funky laughed at me when I told him about it.
My computer has expanded my view of the world and opened doors for me.
It has introduced me to people I never would have encountered
otherwise. In some ways it has helped me to grow and become more sure
of myself. So I pay my last respects to a good friend. Long live Thing
One.

Taking charge of your life

2005-11-22T11:07:00.000-05:00

Any morning when I can I watch a lovely show called "Starting Over".
It's not the usual mambee pambee pyscho babble. They don't sit around
and blame Mom for all your ills and dysfunctions. It is a show that
makes the participants active managers in their own lives. There are
life coaches who are very creative at forcing the people in the house
to really examine ALL aspects of themselves, inside and out. If we
could all have life coaches at the exact moments in our lives when we
need them.

It has had an effect on me as well. I have had a tough 11 years. I am
doing what I can to make things better and to get back on track. I take
responsibility for my decisions and I don't blame others when things
don't turn out right. I have been on a long road and I am often
frustrated by the roadblocks and obstacles in my path. It feels like I
spend way more time get over, under, around the roadblocks than I do
making any progress on my path. At the end of a day, I am exhausted
from the fight. But I keep going because I know something good is at
the end of this road. It will be worth the struggle.

Sometimes my friends don't understand. They already have achieved what
they wanted in life. They see me as a very confidant, strong person who
just floats through life. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most
days I just feel like a broken doll. Everyday I pick up the pieces and
hope that I can put them back in the right places.

What planet do you live on?

2005-11-15T22:21:00.000-05:00

This has been a horrible season for natural disasters. Most of which can be attributed to our treatment of mother earth. She's just fighting back, defending herself. After all we have polluted and overfished her waters. Each day we mistreat her beloved animals, losing many species to extinction forever. We have suck the soil dry of it's life blood to the point where our fruits and vegetables no longer have the natural nutritional value it held 50 years ago. To add insult to injury we misuse her natural resources. Oil production, strip mining, deforestation, the list goes on and one.

Yet we stand around befuddled as to why we are at the tender mercies of nature. Hurricanes that have gained such intensity that it may be necessary to up the category numbers. Tornadoes aren't predictable either but they have become demon spawn as now they appear so suddenly people can't even be awakened by the warning sirens. Yet our politicians and corporate entities still say there's not such thing as global warming. Your average citizen thinks nothing throwing fast food wrappers on the parking lot ground or flushing anti-freeze down a sewer drain. Where do you think all this stuff ends up?

During World War II recycling was mandatory. But in 2005 recycling is left up to the good conscience of the individual. Every day corporate American comes up with more cool stuff for us to throw out. Things that don't biodegrade but become a biohazard. These days organic farming is a hobby instead of the norm. We have pumped the ground so full of pesticides and other things that are suppose to protect the plants that they have been rendered almost inedible.

It blows my mind is that very simple solutions are already exist that could restore the balance of nature. We can turn the tide if we start now. We choose to ignore the solution for the sake of convenience. But how convenient is it to have to rebuild your life after you've lost everything you worked for?

Prince Albert needs Sex for Dummies

2005-11-13T00:46:00.000-05:00

Prince Albert of Monaco is a man who has lead a life of abundance, power and priviledge. He has had access to the finest things that life can offer and not doubt has had a superb education. Despite all that he has going for him, it seems the prince still doesn't know where babies come from.

Recently it came to light that Prince Albert of Monaco has a child with a flight attendent that he had an affair with. When this became public he said he felt he had been set up. Ohmigod! When I was told about the birds and bees I was never told that a woman had control over a man's swimmers.

Birth control should not be soley the woman's responsibility in any relationship. The current methods available lay it squarely at her feet. Most of these are practically toxic to our bodies. None are foolproof. But should it fail then it becomes her fault. Oh please, fellas grow up! Take some responsibility for your bodies. No one is holding a gun to your head and making you become a dad. The methods available for men don't do anything to befoul your masculinity.

To add insult to injury the 47 year old prince never told his father about the child even though he was two when the King passed away. What a coward! Even a prince should know anyone can father a child. It takes a real man to be a dad. Prince Albert, be a man and step up to the plate.

Interracial Dating in the 21st & 1/20th of a Century

2005-11-13T00:43:00.000-05:00

If he says to me "I've never been with a black woman before", my response is "Neither have I". Then I know I won't go out with him. I am neither a social experiment nor am I a collector's item.

I don't view interracial dating as a novelty act. I don't do it to show people how open minded I am. I am still amazed by the people who give me funny looks when I'm out on a date with a Caucasian or Asian guy. It's especially stupid when the look comes from a Black guy wrapped around a White girl.

I used to sit home every night like a lot of Black women, waiting for the love of a good Black man. But that was just it, I was sitting at home. I have been dating interracially for some years now. Frankly to me it is no big deal because men are men, no matter what color. They run the gamut from Tomcat to gentleman, black, white, or asian. If we click when we meet then what is the problem?

I'm not anti-Black man. I am secure in my identity as a Black woman. What works for me is if we find each other interesting and there is a mutual attraction. I wouldn't care if the guy was green as long as he was a good person and treats me well.

What have you done today?

2005-11-08T22:23:00.000-05:00

I love inspirational television programs. Right now I'm hooked on
Starting Over and The Biggest Loser. Both of these shows push you to
face your issues and overcome the obstacles that are blocking your
path. The theme song for The Biggiest Loser is very uplifting. It asks
"what have you done today to make you feel proud?". We all need to have
something that gives us a sense of accomplishment at the end of a day.

Early in my career in film production, things came very quickly and
kind of easy. I met the right people at the right time who opened doors
for me and really gave me a lot of support. I always felt so good at
the end of the day when I knew I had put in a job well done. When
things fell apart I felt so lost. I had nothing else to put my energy
into. I had no focal point. My sense of self worth was totally
devastated. The rebuilding process has been slow and arduous. I have
found other ways to get that "attaboy!" that makes me feel appreciated.
It has been a long road back. Each day for me is a step in the right
direction.

Right now I get that from that from doing this blog and my yard work.
When I am frustrated about the lack of progress in my job search or my
beloved Thing One being being on the blink (again), I can look out my
window and see my yard looks nice. I like it when the house doesn't
look abandon because the grass is touching my ass. I am overjoyed when
I get an email from someone who has read an entry. It puts a smile on
my face even after I've received another rejection letter from a
potential employer.

My next project is getting back into shape. I've kind of let myself go
for a while and I need to get serious about getting back to my fighting
weight. Setting goals is so important to that sense of accomplishment.
The road to success begins with the first step. So ask yourself, what
have you done today?

Simple pleasures are the best

2005-11-08T22:17:00.000-05:00

Whenever I come back to Georgia I am always reminded of how wonderfu
l the simple things are. I still like to take my favorite blanket into my
backyard to watch the stars. I can see them without a telescope because
I'm away from city lights.

Things have been rocky for me for a while so my things are in storage.
What remains of my life is reduced to a 5 x 10 storage room. Sometimes
I visit my stuff. As I sift through the boxes and find things I've
forgotten about, each book or personal momento has a specific memory
attached to it. Sometimes it makes me smile, sometimes it brings a tear
to my eye.

While I am rebuilding my life there are times that I do get frustrated
but I step back and take a deep breath. I find a quiet moment to relish
the beauty that surrounds me in every day things. I try to help my mom
around the house by doing the yard work. I get to revel in the wonder
of nature. I loved when the robins and bluejays returned to my yard as
I cleared away the weeds and overgrowth. Cutting the grass can become
a kind of Zen experience because my mind isn't buzzing with a million
thoughts. I become 5 years old again when I see a dragonfly or a
ladybug. Right now the yard is taking on the look of the Disney gardens
as I tame the hedges.

These days I don't have much money so I've had to curb my shopping
whore instincts. But I can still enjoy a few hours in my favorite
bookstore. I am also learning Italian in my spare time, little though
it maybe. I love the hugs I get from the kids I work with when I'm at
the school. Some of them want a hug every time they see me through out
the day. Sometimes I think I get more out of it than they do.

The next paradise lost, the internet

2005-11-04T22:50:00.000-05:00

I love the internet. I think it is the most fascinating technological
innovation ever conceived by mankind since the airplane. If it weren't
for the internet I wouldn't have the amazing friends I have all around
the world. Some of them I have met and we will have lifelong
friendships. Some have turned out to be not so nice in real life. I
value these people and experiences all the same as those I would have
encountered in so called "normal" circumstances.

There are people who are not into the net so much and don't understand
how some of us can spend hours chatting away with people on the other
side of the world that we would never meet. They can't see how we
could wile away the time surfing for the myriad of things that
interest us. Some of us have sold our souls to eBay. If we move from
one home to another, we may not yet have phone service but we will
make sure our internet connection is working so we can stay in touch
with our friends and loved ones. I've known of more than one love
story that began on the net. The internet has once again proven the
world is not flat.

But of course with the good always comes the bad and sometimes even
the evil. It used to be we thought dirty old men lurked in dark alleys
wearing trenchcoats. Now because of the millions of online sites that
cater to every possible whim and depravity known to mankind the dirty
old men can sit in the comfort and privacy of their homes. They can
indulge their fantasies at the click of a mouse. They lose themselves
in this stuff because it is so easily accessible and there are no
limits. Like junkies they want more and more to get the high they are
seeking. When caught of course it's not their fault. Nooo they can't
be held responsible for their behavior. It never would have happened
if they hadn't been on the net. What a crock of ....(explicative
omitted). These are the same guys who would be hanging out in the dark
alleys and in the adult bookstores. They are the same perverts lurking
at the parks checking out what they desire most but were too afraid to
pursue until the advent of the internet. The net just makes it easier
for them to remain in their comfort zone without the fear of being
discovered.

These are the same people who will not accept responsibility for their
actions. It was because of the internet that they couldn't stop
downloading porn or maxing out the credit card joining member sites.
They didn't know that person they were arranging to meet was actually
underage. They would have never met that person if it weren't for the
internet. The internet just gives these lowlifes another avenue.

Don't misunderstand me, I have nothing against the porn industry or
porn on the net. I think it can be a healthy outlet for people when
they have well rounded lives. I am also a supporter of freedom of
speech and expression. I believe the internet should be a haven for
those principles. What I find disturbing are the predators out there
who use the internet as their private fishing hole. They visit their
sickness upon us through our monitors. They prey upon the vulnerable
and lonely. They rip the veil of innocence from children.

So this may become another instance of a few spoiling it for the many.
As these abuses grow and more and more of these creatures are ferreted
out many jurisdictions are trying to create legislation that will
police and govern our behavior online. Eventually big brother will be
watching us on every .com out there. Why can't we use this amazing new
horizon as a place to resolve the maladies of the human condition?
I'll do it later. Right now I need to check out the latest on
sexyswedishguys.com.

Who's reality is reality TV?

2005-11-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

Each year it seems TV show producers reach lower and lower for new
ideas for reality shows. Although I work in the business, I want to
cover my face a lot of the time when I see the season's new
outcropping. At first I was tickled by Joe Millionaire. A kooky concept
but nonetheless an interesting social study in human interaction. But as
time went on it seemed that whatever some wanna be writer dropped into
a producer's lap while waiting tables became a show. And the stupidity
never ends.

Why do they call this reality TV when in reality this is all staged
crap?! Sure every handsome single guy has 25 women vying for his
attention in the hopes that he'll fall in love with her and want to
marry in a scant 6 weeks time. I know I always get to vote on major
decisions my family and friends make, don't you? My house is wired from
stem to stern with cameras so you can watch everything I do including
drooling on my pillow.

TV has always been the great escape but how entertaining can it be to
watch spoiled rich kids (with no discernible talents) pretend to enjoy
everyday life when you can barely pay your bills every two weeks? Why
not a reality show for our politicians to watch? A show that features a
single mom working for minimum wage and trying to keep her household
together.

I prefer the good old days when shows had real content, were
beautifully scripted and the actors were actors. Let's hope soon that
sagging ratings will bring producers back to reality and they will
again give us something worth watching.

Alone again...naturally

2005-10-29T22:22:00.000-04:00

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a haven of positive constructive emotion. But every now and again I go through intense bouts of loneliness. I have been single most of my adult life. Not by choice but by circumstance. And at this stage in my life all my closest friends are married and have families, so understandably they don't have time to do the things we used to do.

I remember in 1995 a news report about the suicide of R&B/jazz singer Phyllis Hyman. She was beautiful and talented and had money to boot. But she was also incredibly lonely. She was unable to find love despite all she had going for her. At 40, she'd lost hope. I understood her intense longing as well as what drove her to that point. Some of you might not be able to identify with this.

It can become almost a physical ache. Next to food and shelter, love is so important to human survival. The need for contact with another human being is so essential to our development and well being on so many levels. There were times that I could not interact with others because I was so aware of always being the odd man out, the third wheel. I'd turn down invitations to social gatherings. It was almost emotionally crippling to go to the mall or to the movies or out to dinner because I would be surrounded by couples. My loneliness seemed to magnify that fact that in a crowd of couples I had no one in my life.

Of course when I would discuss this with my friends, they would always try to minimize my situation by saying that you never know what goes on inside someone's relationship. That was always easy for them to say seeing that they were in a relationship. I can guarantee that not one of them would have traded places with me once they found that person they really wanted to be with. Sometimes we would describe it as looking into each other's backyards and admiring the grass but my backyard is empty and desolate. To me their backyards were beautiful gardens that were being carefully tended.

My friends often remind me that I will always have their undying loyalty and friendship. I have small circle of friends that I will always hold dear. For once in my life I would like to be special to just one person.

Everything old is new again

2005-10-29T20:55:00.000-04:00

Just as I was writing my last entry, my friend Kelly told me the latest terminology for a well rounded man... the ubersexual. I thought I was up on everything but I quickly did a bit of research. It dawned on me that the ubersexual is really nothing new. We just have a name for it. I've known guys who could be described this way all my life and never thought of them in any particular vernacular.

So now we celebrate a man who takes care of himself and cares about the world around him? DUH!!?? But these are the same guys that we as women dis' because he is too nice and well balanced. Hello girls, these are the guys we should be seeking out. These are the guys that we work with or socialize with everyday but we are blinded by that rebel without a clue we feel so drawn to. They don't necessarily stand out because they are superior male specimens but because they have become fully realized in their masculinity. They are not seeking approval by wearing the latest designer or being seen in the right place with the right people. These guys understand their role in everyday life. Simple as that. He can be that single dad and still enjoy poker night with the boys.

So while we tend to think we've come up with something new every decade or so, it some how comes down to the original Malboro man.

Malboro Man to Metrosexual

2005-10-29T16:24:00.000-04:00

I grew up with the rugged manly image of the Malboro Man, the cigarette smoking cowboy as what a man should look like. I watched spaghetti westerns with my Dad and I was enthralled with rough cut of Clint Eastwood. Even my own Dad contributed to my image of the male mystic by his daily use of Brut cologne. All this culminated in my mind that a man should be rough, slightly whiskered and smell just a tad woodsy.

But now when you go to your favorite department store you'll find the cosmetics department burgeoning with as many products for men as for women. They are now encroaching in our sacred space. Once during a chat with my dear friend Funky, I asked what he used for his skin care regimen. You can imagine my shock when he told me he was using soap to wash his hair! I tried talking him into a trip to a day spa for a facial and massage. I learned a new British insult. He had no idea that "real" men get manicures. He thought I was making up the word metrosexual. You really don't want to know his response to that.

I'm sure many of you have some indications already that your man has crossed the metrosexual threshold. He has his masseuse on speed dial. He has a custom build shoe closet that rivals your own. The staff of the men's department at Neiman's knows him by his nickname. His barber comes to his office. If you see any of this in your man, then you've got one!

I tried to bring my friend Funky into the 21st century by offering to buy him "The Gentleman's Guide to Grooming and Style". Suffice it to say I was greeted by a second coarse British expression. He prefers the just rolled out of bed look and he wears it well.

Love is

2005-10-18T15:11:00.000-04:00

I had an epiphany while I was doing my yardwork today. That usually happens when I'm trying to tame this horrific yard in the baking Georgia sun. I think I figured out what love is all about.

It ocurred to me that love is about being vulnerable and open to that experience. It's about trusting that the person you are sharing yourself with has your best interests at heart and is not working from their own agenda. It means being willing to set aside your own agenda to protect your relationship from people who would try to influence to the detriment of that relationship. I'm sure some of you are familiar with that aspect.

Love can be difficult because there is some much involved when it happens and making it work. It is like making a meal, you need all the right ingrediants and then let it simmer the proper amount of time. Let it come to a slow simmer so all the flavors meld just right. You keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't boil over and make a mess everywhere. When it is just right you share it with someone special to you.

Thank you

2005-10-18T14:51:00.000-04:00

I've been away for a while tending to things like my incredibly overgrown yard and my haircolor that I screwed up 3 times. But while I was away some of you very nice people have told me how much you enjoy reading my entries. I truly appreciate that.

My friend Funky talked me into doing this and at first I was hesitant. But it has allowed me to share a part of me with a part of you. Perhaps on some level we connect throught common experiences. That is the beauty and the wonder of being human beings.

So I hope you will continue to drop in and please let me know how you feel. Thank you again.

It takes 2

2005-10-10T16:42:00.000-04:00

As you know I am a talk show junkie. I am always amazed when people go on tv to air their dirty laundry. But what is even more amazing is when
a couple is expecting a baby and the guy says "she got herself
pregnant". If I remember that talk about the birds and the bees, I
think it takes 2 people to make a baby.

Now I'm going to climb on my soap box. Don't worry it's only about 6
inches high. There are too many ways not to get pregnant for people to
be having babies they don't want or can't take care of. I don't mean
abortion, I mean birth control. I am a firm believer that children need
both parents. So in situation where there are 2 people who are not in a
committed relationship, why don't you use protection!?? Guys always
want to believe that it is the woman's responsibility to make sure she
doesn't get pregnant but why are you relying on that? Why not take
matters into your own hands (so to speak) and make sure you are
protected. If you don't want to be tied to this person for the next 20
years why take the chance that you could make a baby.

Well maybe you're not so worried about being a parent. Remember there
are things out there that can change your life even more so than having
a kid. There are sexually transmitted diseases that the doctors still
don't have definitive tests for. Many of these diseases can take away
your ability to have kids when you really are ready to. HIV is on the
rise again, not just among teens but also among adults. Is sex really
worth dying for?

So the next time you are just 2 ships passing in the night maybe you
should consider battening down the hatches before you dock in her port.

OK I'll get off my soap box now.

Signed, Happily Nappy

2005-10-10T16:11:00.000-04:00

Last year I decided to stop relaxing my hair. I've always had a lot of
thick course hair. My mom used to wrap her leg around me to keep me
from fighting her whenever it was time to do my hair. When I was old
enough I went to the hairdresser to have my hair straightened. I'll
never forget Miss Easter. She would have a cigarette in one hand with
a glob of hair grease on the back and the hot comb in the
other.Somehow she could do my hair while smoking and talking to the
girl in the next booth.

My mom finally got tired or wrestling with me so we went to relaxers.
I've been doing this chemical process since I was 13 and frankly I was
just tired of it. For those of you who don't know, the chemical make
up of relaxer is the same as drain cleaner. It burns the scalp and
fries the hair. So why do we do it? It makes the hair more manageable
and smooth. And considering I had hair that would make most sheep
balk, I really needed it.

But I can not tell you how many countless hours were spent in the
beauty parlor when I did find a hairdresser who could handle my hair.
After a while you learn not to scratch your head before you go because
where ever you scratch is going to burn the worse. I would always make
the earliest appointment I could get so I wouldn't blow the whole day
in the chair. I don't even want to think about the thousands of
dollars I spent on weekly appointments, hair products, and styling
tools.

OK, I decided no mas! I was not going to cook my hair anymore. So I
stopped cold turkey. And boy was that a shock. I then had to figure
out what to do next. Ultimately I ended up having most of my hair cut
off to prevent outright hair loss. I ended up looking like a nerd
cupie doll. Now when I wash my hair it doesn't lay down in that just
out of the water look. I have a curly puffy afro straight out of the
70's. I let it air dry and even my brother looked at my funny when he
saw me walking around with all these little puff balls sectioned off
on my head. I now use an <underline>electric</underline> straightening
comb.

I don't have to worry about leaving the chemical on too long or not
long enough. I don't have a dry irritated scalp. I don't have to worry
about running to the sink to stop the burning. But I also can't go
near the water.

I wish someone would come up with an alternative to relaxers that
really works for my type of hair. I've seen some online but I'm not
the brave. If anyone has tried any of them, let me know your results.
I will probably go back to using relaxers once I am working again. But
until then ...

Lessons in Love

2005-10-07T00:39:00.000-04:00

In my posting about the new spinster, men over 40, I wrote about a friend who was desperate to marry and have a family. He was contemplating marrying a girl who I could see was clearly wrong for him.

Well folks... it's officially over!! He finally came to the realization that she is not the one he wants to be with. And how did he come to this conclusion you might ask? He spent time with her! It took a 7 day cruise for him to come to his senses. Their relationship had largely been a long distance one for about 2 and half years. He had been able to overlook a lot of things about her and blind himself to the fact that she was really lacking in a lot of the things he wanted in a woman. Until it came down to being in close quarters with no where to go 24 hours a day for 7 days.

Perhaps more couples should do that. Could your relationship stand up to 7 days in close quarters, where you actually had to talk to your love one? How many times could youwatch him scratching his arse? Do you think your could live 40 years with her laugh that reminds you of a braying mule? Try it and let me know the results.

Celebrity injustice...yeah right!

2005-10-07T00:33:00.000-04:00

When I'm working with kids, I try to teach them there are consequences for their actions. I'm constantly telling them I will not reward bad behavior. Eventually I get through to the 5 year olds. I wish I could get through to some adults.

It's been all over the new about super thin super model Kate Moss' cocaine use. Because she admitted to using she lost 2 lucrative contracts. Naomi Campbell and Sharon Stone have come to her defense. According to them, everyone is making much ado about nothing. DUH!! Any average working stiff would have lost his/her job for drug use so why do celebrities think they should be exempt?

I applaud Burberry, Hennes & Mauritz, and Chanel for taking a stand. They were paying her big bucks to represent them and they have a right to set certain standards. And if she doesn't meet those standards, she can get the boot just like any employee making $6.50 an hour.

I hope kids who hold models, actors, singers, and athletes up as role models will see this and understand that it doesn't matter who you are. When you screw up, it's on you!

What a girl wants???

2005-10-06T23:46:00.000-04:00

I constantly hear women bemoaning that men don't treat them right. I recently came across a woman who found it creepy that a guy brought her roses for the first date. She had written to an advice column in the newspaper. The columnists denounced the guy as being dense and retro.

It seems a guy can't win no matter what he does because the rules have changed so much and no one told him it was a new game. I just shake my head in disbelief when I hear about women who get upset because a guy opened a door for her. If he's a gentleman, he's often overlooked for that tough guy who'll land you on a episode of America's Most Wanted.

Do women today really know what they want? It seems we want to have our cake and eat it too. I'm sure I'll be called out for being anti-feminist for this. We want to be treated like equals until it's time for the check. For example, a couple appeared on a talk show to discuss mending their ailing marriage. The husband worked 2 jobs so the wife could stay home to care for a 4 and 6 year old. The wife was constantly unhappy and felt overwhelmed by caring for the home. She had an affair but the husband forgave her. She didn't want to work but she wanted him to do more around the house aside from working his 2 jobs. He even changed his normally loving behavior because she said she felt like he was smothering her when he wanted to hug her. What more could he have done to make her happy?

I know this is an extreme example but it is not too far off what I observe in my interactions with women everyday. He calls too much, he doesn't call enough. He doesn't buy me gifts, He doesn't take me to the right places. He goes out with his friends too much, He's around me too much.

Relationships are hard enough without the mind games. If both parties go into it just being themselves you might find you like the person sitting across from you just as they are. While you're looking for you prince, it might turn out that frog is really not so bad after all.

I just couldn't help myself!

2005-10-03T00:16:00.000-04:00

I love chocolate, I admit it. During Easter I could hardly wait to bite
the heads of my bunnies. When I worked in a pharmacy I had constant
access to broken boxes of Valentine's Day sweets and foil wrapped
Santas. Jakes dessert shop in Atlanta became my second home (long
embarrassing story). They even knew me by name at the Godiva counter in Lenox Mall. Should I seek therapy? Is there a pill for chocoholism? Maybe I should join CA...Chocoholics Anonymous.

I don't mean to make light of addictions. My heart goes out to those
who truly suffer from any sort of chemical dependency. But what does
irk me is how often certain behaviors have made the leap to full blown
addictions. Once it becomes an addiction suddenly it relieves the
"victim" of any personal responsibility for his/her choices. And of
course they can lay the blame at the feet of others,

I've enjoyed a little fun at the casinos every now and then. I drop a
few bucks and laugh it off. I think to myself I could have spent that
money shopping and have something to show for it. It's just for fun and
if I win something it's all gravy. But then there's always someone out
there who loses control and then cries foul. How could it be their
fault that they squander every dime in that one armed bandit? No way!
It's the casino's fault and shame on them for allowing me to keep
coming in there when they know I'm sick.

My absolute favorite is the sex addict. When someone can't keep their
pants on, they use that excuse to cover their butts (so to speak). Our
prudish society still looks down on anyone who "sleeps around". But
once you don the sex addict cap, we don't dare hold you responsible for
making poor choices. These days those choices can even be life
threatening. When I see a talk show about couples where the husband is
a porn junkie, I usually stick around to the see the story unfold. What
usually comes out it there is some underlying problem in the marriage
long before he ran up the credit card buying porn site memberships.

I personally believe in self exploration, looking deep within to find
the void that is being filled by gambling, sex, or even food. Give
yourself a chance to figure out what's eating you before you eat that
half gallon of Rocky Road. Before you head out to blow your wad at the
casino perhaps that money might be better spend with a good therapist.